Анекдоты на английском - Jokes in English
A man died and went to heaven.
He asked God, "God, how much is a million years to you?" God answered, "A second." He then asked God, "How much is a million dollars to you?" God answered, "A penny." The man then said, "Well, could you give me a million dollars." "Yes," God replied, "In a second."
A father was really chewing his son out for watching too much TV. He said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age he was studying by the light of the fireplace." His son looked up at him and said, "And when Lincoln was your age he was the president of the United States."
Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter tells Forrest that he will have to answer three questions before he can gain admission into heaven. OK says Forrest. St. Peter begins, First, Forrest, tell me how many days of the week begin with the letter T . Well, says Forrest, I believe that would be two, today and tomorrow. St. Peter laughs and says, Forrest, that's not exactly what we had in mind, but you know you're right, so we'll take that answer. Now, your second question: How many seconds are there in a year. That's a really tough one, says Forrest, but I believe I know the answer. It's twelve. Twelve? says St. Peter. How did you ever come up with twelve? Well, says Forrest, you have January second, February second and so on.
A man was told by his doctor that he only had six months to live and so he started asking his friends what he should do. Several friends had no answer for him but finally an old man told him, "Here's what you should do. Move to Arkansas, find a widow who lives on a hog farm and has 6 little children. Marry her." The dying man says, "OK, but how is that going to help me live longer?" The old man replies, "You do that and it'll be the longest six months of your life."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip. They have retired for the evening and are lying on their backs looking at the stars when Holmes says, Watson, look up and tell me what you see. Watson replies, I see thousands of stars. Holmes says, And what does that mean to you? Watson thinks for a moment and answers, I guess it means we’ll have another nice day tomorrow. And what does it mean to you, Mr. Holmes? Sherlock Holmes replies, Well, to me it means someone has stolen our
A lady walked into a pet store and said, "I want a parrot but I only want one that talks." The manager said, "We have one parrot that talks all the time." So the lady bought the parrot and went home. The next day she went back to the pet store and said, "You told me that parrot talks all the time. I have not heard him say a word." The man said, "I'm very sorry. He talked all the time when he was here. Why don't you buy him a little swing? They just love the little swings." So she bought the little swing and put it in the bird's cage. The next day she came back to the pet store and said, "The parrot swings all the time but I still haven't heard a word." The man said, "I'm really sorry. We have these little mirrors. The birds love to look at themselves and talk to themselves." So the lady bought the mirror and put it in the bird's cage. The next day she returned to the pet store and said, "The parrot looks at himself in the mirror and swings but, not a word." The man replied, "We have these little ladders. The birds love to go up and down the ladder." So the lady bought a ladder and put it in the cage. The next morning when the lady woke up the parrot was near death. She returned again to the pet store and told the man the bird had died. He replied, "I can't believe--all those days and the parrot never said a word." She replied, "Well, he finally did talk. Just before he died he said, 'That store where you bought all these things, don't they sell bird seed?'"
A blonde and a professor were sitting next to each other on a plane. She was trying to read a book and he was trying to impress her by telling her how smart he was. Finally, he said, "To prove how smart I am, I'll ask you a question. If you can't answer it, you'll give me five dollars. You can then ask me a question. If I can't answer it, I'll give you five dollars." The blonde answered, "No way I'm going to do that!"
The professor then said, "OK, I'll ask you a question. If you can't answer it, you give me five dollars. You can then ask me a question. If I can't answer it, I'll give you $500." The blonde said, "OK. I'll give that a try." The professor asks the blonde a question. She couldn't answer it so she reached into her purse and gave him five dollars. The professor said, "Now you can ask me a question. If I can't answer it, I'll give you $500." The blonde said, "What goes up a hill on four legs and comes down on three legs?" The man thought and thought and finally said, "I have on idea." He reached into his pocket and gave her $500. She smiled and put the money in her purse. The man said, "Wait just a minute! What goes up a hill on four legs and comes down on three legs?" The blonde said, "I don't know," and reached into her purse and gave him five dollars.
Two cannibals are having dinner. One cannibal says to the other, You know, I just hate my brother. The other cannibal says, Then just eat the noodles.
A man is interviewing God. He asks God, What is a billion years to you? God replies, Just a second. The man asks, What's a billion dollars to you? God replies, A penny. The man thinks for a moment and asks, Could you give me a penny? God smiles and says, Sure just a second.
Two men were talking. One said, "When I was young, my father would discipline me by sending me to my room without supper. But today my son has his own color tv, phone and computer in his room." "So what do you do?" his friend asked. The man replied, "I send him to my room."
God visited with Bill Clinton, Fidel Castro and Bill Gates and told them he was going to bring about the end of the world. Bill Clinton immediately goes on CNN and tell the country, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is-there is a God. The bad news is-he's going to end the world. Fidel Castro addresses the Communists and says, I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is-we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is-he's going to end the world. Bill Gates sends out an e-mail that says, I've got good news and better news. The good news is-there is a God. The better news is-we won't have to worry about finishing the upgrade for Windows 95.
Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, went into a bar. The bartender asked the redhead what she would like to drink. She answered, "I'll have a CL.""A CL," the bartender said, "I'm afraid I don't know what that is." "Duh!!! It's a Coors Light," the redhead said. "OK," said the bartender, turning to the brunette and asking, "And what will you have?" The brunette replied, "I'll have a BL." The bartender thought for a moment and said, "That's a Bud Lite, right?" The brunette said, "Yeah, duh!" The bartender then asked the blonde what she'd like to drink. "I'll have a 15," she answered. The bartenderwas puzzled by this one, "A 15, what's that?" he asked. The blonde replied, "Duh!! It's a Seven and Seven, of course!"
A blonde is lamenting her problems selling her old car, which has 120,000 miles on it. Her friend says, I know something you can do, but it's not exactly legal. That's OK, says the blonde, What is it? The friend says, I have a friend who runs a garage and he could run the mileage back on your car and make it easier to sell. Sounds great, says the blonde, Tell me where to find him. The blonde goes to see the mechanic and he runs back the mileage on her car to 50,000. A few weeks later, the blonde sees her friend who asks, Did you ever sell your car? Why should I, replies the blonde, It only has 50,000 miles on it.
An old man was having trouble with his memory so he went to the doctor. The doctor told the man to write down everything he wanted to remember. A couple of days later his wife wanted a late night snack and he told her he would go to the kitchen and get it for her. "Write it down so you won't forget. I want strawberry shortcake with whipped cream on top!" his wife said. "I can remember that," the man said and headed for the kitchen. "Don't forget, write it down-strawberry shortcake with whipped cream on top," his wife repeated. "I can remember that!" the man said again and went to the kitchen to get her snack. A few minutes later he returned and handed a plate of bacon and eggs to her. The woman took one look at it and said, "I told you to write it down. You forgot my toast!"
A little boy went to the mountains to visit his grandfather. The old man lived alone in a remote cabin back in the woods. On his first night there, his grandfather asked the little boy if he'd like some cookies and milk. The little boy said he would and his grandfather asked him to get a glass for the milk. The boy took a glass from the cabinet and said, "Grandpa, this glass looks dirty." His grandfather replied, "Son, it's as clean as cold water can get it." The little boy shrugged his shoulders, drank his milk and went to bed. The next morning the grandfather told the boy to get the plates out for breakfast. The little boy took a couple of plates out of the cabinet, looked at them and said, "Grandpa, these plates don't look very clean." His grandfather again replied, "Son, those plates are as clean as cold water can get them." The little boy again shrugged, sat down and ate his breakfast. After they finished their meal, the grandfather said, "Are you ready for some fishing?" The little boy was so excited he ran to the front door and opened it. He took a look outside and said, "Grandpa, there's a dog on the front porch." His grandfather looked outside and shouted, "Cold Water, you get off that porch."
An old farmer and his wife are having a friend over for dinner. After the meal the farmer takes the man around and says, Now that you’ve seen my new house, let me take you outside and show you my new tractor...and this is my new garage...and my new car...and my new pickup. The friend thanks him for dinner and leaves. The farmer’s wife comes into the living room and conks her husband on the head with a frying pan. What was that for? the farmer asks. His wife replies, It’s OUR house, OUR tractor, OUR garage and OUR cars. We’re married, remember? The old farmer is a bit befuddled by all this and heads to bed. About four in the morning he gets up and is walking around the bedroom. What are you doing? his wife asks. Looking for OUR britches, the farmer replies.
Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A: Because she read that one out of every four children was Chinese.
A blonde applied for a job at the police department. The police chief interviewed her and told her she would have to answer three questions before he could hire her. "First," the chief said, "How many days start with the letter 'T'?" The blonde thought about it for a minute and said, "Two. Today and tomorrow." The police chief smiled and said, "Well, that's no really what I was thinking but I can see how you could come up with that. The second question is--How much is one and one?" The blonde quickly replies, "That's easy. It's eleven." Again the police chief smiles and says, "OK. I guess that's a correct answer even though it was not the one I had in mind. Here's the third question. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The blonde seemed puzzled by this one and finally said, "You're going to have to give me some time to think on that one." The police chief said, "OK. Think about it and come back and see me tomorrow." The blonde went home and of course her family wanted to know how the interview had gone. She told them what happened and said, "Can you imagine? I've been there one day and they've already put me on a murder case!"
If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him, is what he says still stupid?
A man gets pulled over by the police. The officer walks up to the car and says, Sir, I pulled you over because you ran that stop sign back there. The man says, But I slowed down. The officer replied, But you didn’t stop. The man said again, But I slowed down. Again the officer said, But you didn’t stop. The man said again, But I slowed down. The officer had finally had enough. He told the man to get out and immediately started hitting the man with his nightstick. The officer then said to the man, Now, do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?
Little Johnny was having trouble with math. So, his teacher decided to pull him aside for some one on one work. She said, "Johnny, if I gave you two bunnies plus two more bunnies plus two more bunnies, how many would you have?" Little Johnny thought for a moment and said, "Seven." His teacher said, "Let's think about it again. If I gave you two bunnies plus two bunnies plus two bunnies, how many would you have?" Once again Little Johnny said, "Seven." The teacher decided to try it another way, "OK, Johnny, if I gave you two apples plus two apples plus two apples, how many would you have?" Little Johnny said, "Six." "Very good," said the teacher, "But Johnny, why do you keep telling me you'd have seven bunnies if I gave you two bunnies plus two more, plus two more?" Little Johnny answered, "Because I've already got one at home!"
An aggie owned a pig farm and his friend came by to visit. The friend noticed the aggie picking up a pig, feeding him an apple, then picking up another pig and feeding him an apple and continuing to do this with each individual pig. The friend says, Wouldn’t it be a lot faster to put all the apples down on the ground and let the pigs eat them rather than feeding them one by one? The aggie replies, What’s time to a pig?
A young mother was getting ready to feed her two year old daughter lunch. She asked the child, "What would you like for lunch today?" The little girl answered, "Ice cream." Not wanting to cause a big argument, the mother then said, "And what else would you like with your ice cream?" The little girl thought for a moment and said, "A spoon."
Two guys are driving around. Whenever they come to a red light, the driver speeds up and drives through the light. Don't you know you're gonna get us killed? asks the passenger. Nah , says the driver, my brother does it all the time. They come to a red light and again the driver speeds up and drives through. This is really dangerous, says the passenger, I wish you would stop doing it. The driver responds, Nothing to worry about. My brother does it all the time. Soon, they come to a light that is green. The driver screeches to a halt. Why are you stopping?, the passenger asks. The driver replies, I'm afraid my brother might be coming.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh late on friday night?
A: Tell her a good joke on wednesday.
Just before Christmas an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were in an elevator together. As the doors opened, they noticed a $20 bill on the floor. Which one picked it up?Santa Claus. The other two don’t exist.
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were working on a construction crew on a high rise building. They take a break for lunch and the Irishman looks into his lunch box and says, "Corned beef and cabbage again. If I get corned beef one more time I'm going to jump off this building!" The Mexican looks into his lunch box and says, "Burritos again. If I get a burrito for lunch again I'm going to jump off this building!" The redneck looks into his lunch box and says, "Bologna sandwich again. If I get one more bologna sandwich for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The next day when they break for lunch the Irishman looks into his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps off the building. The Mexican looks into his lunch box, sees a burrito and jumps off the building. The redneck looks into his lunch box, sees a bologna sandwich and jumps off the building. A couple of days later, the wives of the three men meet at their funerals. The Irishman's wife says, "If I'd only known he didn't like corned beef, I'd have made him something else." The wife of the Mexican says, "I never knew he didn't like burritos. I'd never have packed one for lunch if I'd only known." The wife of the redneck says, "Don't blame me. He packed his own lunch!"
An older couple went to a festival in a small town. When the husband heard there was a man there taking people for rides in an old fashioned open cockpit airplane he immediately wanted to go for a ride. When they found out the price was $10, the man's wife said, "Oh, no. It's too expensive. Ten dollars is ten dollars." The next year at the same festival again the man wanted to go up in the plane and again his wife refused, telling him, "It's too expensive. Ten dollars is ten dollars." The third year the couple stopped by the festival again and this time the pilot of the plane heard them discussing taking a flight. Again the woman said, "No. No. It's too expensive. Ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot came up to them and said, "Look, I'll take both of you up for a ride and if you don't say a word during the flight, I'll let you have the ride for free. If you say anything, I'll charge you ten dollars." The pilot wasn't worried. He knew one of his daredevil stunts would draw an "Oooh" or and "Aahh." The woman was delighted because she was sure she and her husband would get the ride for free. They got into the plane and the pilot pulled out all the stops, doing loops and flying the plane upside down. Not a sound was heard from the couple. When they landed, without even turning around to look at them, the pilot said, "I thought sure you would have to pay me the money. I can't believe you didn't say a word." The man replied, "I was tempted. When she fell out of the plane I almost said something, but you know, ten dollars is ten dollars."
A group of three managers and a group of three engineers were on their way to a seminar. As the managers were in line at the train station to buy their tickets, they noticed the group of engineers only purchased one ticket for the three of them. The managers ask the engineers what they are doing and the engineers tell them to watch and see. Upon boarding the train the three engineers rush to the restroom and they all squeeze in together. The train leaves the station and soon the conductor comes around collecting tickets. When he knocks on the restroom door, one hand comes out and gives him a ticket. The conductor thanks him and goes on his way. The managers are impressed that the engineers were able to save the price of two tickets and on the return trip they decide to try the same trick. At the ticket window, the managers buy one ticket, but they notice that this time the engineers don't purchase any tickets at all. They ask the engineers what they are doing and once again they tell them to watch and see. The three managers board the train and all of them squeeze into the restroom. The three engineers board and all three of them squeeze into the other restroom. As the train is departing, one of the engineers comes out of the restroom, knocks on the managers' restroom door and says "Ticket please."
A little boy wanted $100 so he could buy himself a video game. He wanted the money really bad and prayed for it every night for two weeks. After getting no response, he decided to write a letter to God asking for the money. Addressing the letter to "God, USA", he dropped it in the mail. The post office wasn't sure what to do with the letter so they just delivered it to the White House. President Bush read the letter and was touched by it. He told his secretary to send the boy $5. When the little boy received the letter and found the $5 in it, he wrote God another letter. In it he said, "Dear God, Thanks for the money. But for some reason before it got to me it went to Washington and those jerks deducted $95 from it."
Each Sunday at church a little boy would come up to the preacher and say, When I get big I'm going to make a lot of money and give it all to you. Each and every Sunday the boy would say the same thing to the preacher. Finally, the preacher asked the boy, I don't understand, you're a very young boy. Why are you so sure when you grow up you're going to give me a lot of money? The boy replied, Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had.
A man and his wife are sitting in their den watching TV when the wife says, Honey, if I should die tomorrow, would you get married again? The husband thinks for a moment and says, I think I would. I wouldn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. The woman then says, If I were to die, do you think you and your new wife would live in this house? The husband replies, I love this house so I guess we would probably continue to live in it. The wife then says, If I were to die, would you and your new wife sleep in our bed? The husband replies, We have a nice bed and new ones are expensive, so I can see no reason why we wouldn’t continue to use the same bed. The woman then says, If I were to die, do you think your new wife would use my golf clubs? The man thinks for a moment and says, Oh, no, Linda is left handed.
Mean little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was preparing supper. "I want some ice cream!" said little Johnny. "No, Johnny, it's too close to supper time," his mother replied. Johnny continued to whine and complain that he wanted ice cream so his mother decided to play a game with him to get his mind off the ice cream. "Johnny, let's play a game," his mother said, "You pretend you're the daddy coming home from work and I'll be the mommy." "OK," said Johnny. "Hello, honey, how was your day," Johnny's mother asked. "Fine," said little Johnny who plopped down on the couch, propped his feet up and began reading his paper. They talk a little more and finally little Johnny says, "You know, honey, we certainly have a fine son, little Johnny." "Yes, we do," Johnny's mother replied. "Do you know what I'd like for you to do?" little Johnny asked. "No, what?" his mother replied. "Get in there and get your son some ice cream!"
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning cup of coffee, slapping him on the back of his head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Mary Lou' on it. You better have a good explanation," the wife said. The man replied, "Honey, remember last week I went to the dog track. Mary Lou was the name of the dog I bet on." That afternoon when he returned home from work his wife came in and again slapped him on the back of the head. "What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied, "Your dog called for you today."
A blonde was trying to sell her car and was having no luck because it had over 250,000 miles on it. One day a friend of hers told her, "I know a way to make selling the car a little easier, but it's not exactly legal." "That's OK," said the blonde, "I really want to sell it." Her friend said, "Here's the address of a man who can run the odometer on your car back, that should make the car more attractive to a buyer." The blonde took the address and went to see the man. A few days later, the friend saw the blonde again and she was still driving the car. "Hey, you didn't sell your car?" her friend said. The blonde replied, "Why should I, it only has 50,000 miles on it!"
A newlywed bride was going to make her first Thanksgiving dinner and she decided that she would bake a ham. Her husband was watching her prepare it. Before placing it into the pan, she cut each end off of the ham. He said, "Honey, why are you doing that?" She said, "I don't know, that's just what my mother always did." She decided to investigate it a little further so she called her mother. She said, "Mom, I was making our ham and I wanted to fix it like you do. So I cut both ends off before putting it in the pan. Why did you always do that?" Her mother said, "I don't know. That's just the way grandma always did it." Her curiosity aroused, the wife called her grandma. She said, "Grandma, I'm fixing our Thanksgiving ham. I'm making it like you always did, by first cutting the ends off the ham. Why do we do that?" Her grandma replied, "That's the only way it would fit in my old pan."
An Aggie took a trip to Oklahoma City. While in a bar there, an Indian on the next stool said, "Hey, let's have a little contest. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you buy me a drink." The Aggie agreed and the Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The Aggie scratched his head and thought for a long while and finally said, "I don't know. Who was it?" The Indian said, "It was me!" The Aggie bought him a drink and left the bar. When he returned home a few days later he saw an old friend of his in a bar. He decided to try the game with him. After his buddy agreed to the game, the Aggie asked him, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?" His friend thought for a while and said, "I give up, who was it?" The Aggie laughed and said, "It's some Indian in Oklahoma!"
A pastor stood up before the congregation and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to build a new church. The bad news is unfortunately it's still in your pocket."
The Texas school newspaper sends a reporter out to interview successful farmers in the College Station area. One reporter goes to talk to a pig farmer and notices one of his prize pigs has a wooden leg. The farmer tells the reporter, That's my finest pig, he has the largest pen on the whole farm. The reporter asks, Why does the pig have a wooden leg? The farmer replies, That's a fantastic pig. He saved my life twice. Once, the tractor fell on me. The pig burrowed down and pulled me out. Another time my house was on fire. The pig came up to the house and woke me up so I was able to escape before the house burned down. Yep, that's one fine pig. The reporter persited, But you still haven't told me why the pig has a wooden leg. That's simple, the farmer replied, With a fine pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. As they lie down for the night, Holmes says, Dr. Watson, what do you see? Watson replies, I see a beautiful night sky with thousands of stars. And what does that mean? , Holmes asks. Watson says, I guess it means we're going to have another beautiful day tomorrow. What does it mean to you? Holmes replies, It means someones's stolen our tent.
Adam and God are having a little talk. Adam says, I really like that woman you've created. She sure is pretty. God replies, I made her that way so you'd love her. She sure is a good kisser, Adam says. I made her that way so you'd love her, God says. She sure can cook good, Adam says. I made her that way so you'd love her, God says. But, you know, God, Adam says, She's not really very smart. God replies, I made her that way so she'd love you.
Two older men were walking through a forest when they saw a frog. The frog said, Kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful princess who will do anything you want. One of the man picks up the frog and sticks it into his pocket. What are you doing? asks his friend, Didn’t you hear the frog? If you kiss it, it’ll turn into a beautiful princess who’ll do anything you want. The other man replied, I heard her. At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.
A frog called a psychic hotline to ask about his future. The psychic told him, I have some good news and some bad news. You have a beautiful girl in your future and she is going to want to know everything about you. The frog was very excited and said, That’s wonderful. Where will I meet her? The psychic replied, That’s the bad news. You’ll meet her in a biology lab.
Three blondes were going to Disney World. After driving for several hours, they came to a sign which said, Disney World-Left . The three looked at each other, said, Oh darn, and turned around and drove home.
In one Catholic church parish there was a young Irish priest who mentioned that in Ireland priests usually had a live-in housekeeper to help out. So the church, wanting to keep their fine priest happy, brought in a live-in housekeeper, a young lady named Clara. After she had been on the job a couple of days, the young lady rushed into the priest's office and said, "Oh father, your washing machine is broken." The priest smiled and replied, "Oh, Clara, don't call it 'my' washing machine. In this church we share everything-it's 'our' washing machine." A few days passed and Clara walked up to the priest and said, "Father, don't you feel it's getting warm in here? Your air conditioner must not be working." Again the priest smiled and said, "Oh, Clara, remember what I told you. It's 'our' air conditioner that isn't working." A couple of weeks later the priest was having a formal dinner for the bishop and several other priests when the housekeeper rushed in and said, "Oh father, you'll have to come right away. There's a mouse in the house!" The priest jumped up and said, "Oh Clara, where is the mouse?" Clara replied, "It's in 'our' bedroom."
A tractor salesman is driving down a country road when he sees a farmer plowing his field using a brahma bull. Thinking he has an easy sale here, the tractor salesman stops, walks up to the farmer and says, "Good day, sir. I'm going to sell you a tractor. It'll make your life so much easier." The farmer looks at him and says, "I've got a good tractor back in the barn." The tractor salesman replies, "Then why are you using a brahma bull to plow this field?" The farmer says, "I'm trying to teach this bull that there's other things in life besides chasing women and knocking down fences."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen to clean up, while the two elderly gentlemen went into the living room to talk. One of them said, "You know, last night we went to a new restaurant and it was really good. I'd recommend it highly." His friend said, "Oh really, what's the name of it." The old man thought for a moment, scratched his head and said, "What's the name of that pretty flower. It's usually red, smells really good and has thorns?" His friend said, "You mean the rose?" The old man nodded and said, "Yeah, that's it." He then turned toward the kitchen and shouted, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
An old man and woman were having problems in their marriage so they go to see a marriage counselor. At the session, the wife talks on and on about the problems they are having while the husband sits stoically, saying nothing. After about 10 minutes, the counselor stands up, grabs the woman by the hand, pulls her into his arms and gives her a long passionate kiss. The counselor then turns to the husband and says, She needs that two times a week. The husband thinks about it for a moment and replies, OK. I can have her here on tuesdays and thursdays.
A blonde gets a new job and is sent on an out of town business trip. The next morning she calls her boss and says, I'm so sorry. I'm late for my meeting because I'm trapped in my room. You're trapped, says the boss, What do you mean? Well, says the blonde, There are only three doors inside my hotel room. One goes to the bathroom. One goes to the closet. And the other has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb.'
A little boy is standing on the street corner and a man walks up and asks the little boy for directions to the post office. The boy gives them to him and the man asks, Do you know who I am? When the boy says he doesn't the man replies, I'm a visiting evangelist. If you'll come to the services tonite, I'll tell you how to get to heaven. Why should I want to come, you don't even know how to get to the post office.
A frail little man is sitting in a bar all by himself when a big man walks up, pushes the little man off his barstool and chugs his drink. The little man starts crying, picks himself up and sits down on the barstool again. Feeling sorry for what he has done, the big man says, Let me buy you another beer. The little man says, That’s not it. This has been the worst day of my life. I lost my job, my wife left me, I wrecked my car and then when I get ready to take my life, you drink my poison.
One Sunday morning a mother walks into her son’s bedroom and says, Hey-you better get up! You’ve got to have breakfast and get ready to go to church. The son replies, Mom, I don’t think so. A few minutes later, the mother comes back, finds the son still in bed and says, Son, I’ll tell you again. Get out of that bed, get yourself cleaned up, have breakfast. You’ve got to go to church. The son replies, Give me one reason why I should go to church this morning. The mother replies, Well, for starters, you’re the preacher over there.
A man walks into a bar and notices a man sitting at the bar with a dog sitting on the barstool next to him. The man sits down next to the bar and says to the other man, Does your dog bite? The other man replies, No, and the man begins petting the dog. As soon as he touches him, the dog tears into the man. Yeow, says the man, I thought you said your dog didn’t bite! The other man replies, That’s not my dog.
Three men were walking along a beach when they came upon a bottle. They picked it up and out popped a beautiful lady genie. She said, "I'll grant each one of you a wish." The first man said, "I want to be the smartest man in the world." POOF!!! He started quoting Shakespeare and explaining Newton's laws. The second man said, "I want to be twice as smart as him." POOF!!! He began quoting the theories of Einstein. The third man said, "I want to be twice as smart as both of them." The genie looked at him and said, "I don't know if you'd like that." "I want it. I want it," said the man. POOF!!! He was turned into a woman.
A Baptist preacher received a call from an elderly woman who said her husband was very ill and needed to talk to a minister. The Baptist preacher said he would be right there. After speaking with the man for a while, the preacher came out and said to the wife, "Mrs. Jones, your husband says he's a Methodist. I'm a Baptist minister. Why didn't you call your own preacher?" The woman replied, "Oh, we couldn't do that. What if my husband has something contagious?"
A woman walks into a store and demands a half a melon. She is going absolutely crazy in the front of the store. She causes such a commotion that the produce manager comes up to her and tries to calm her down. He says, "If you'll just stand right here, I'll take care of this." He walks to the back of the store and finds the store manager, saying to him, "There's an absolutely crazy old lady at the front of the store who wants a half a melon." At this moment he notices the woman has followed him to the back and has heard every word. Thinking quickly, the produce manager says, "And this nice lady would like the other half."
After the church service a little boy said to the pastor, "When I grow up I'm going to give you some money." The pastor replied, "Well, son, that's very nice but why do you want to do that?" The little boy replied, "Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had."
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is looking at his book and says, "Sir, have you done a single good thing in your whole life?" "Yes sir," the man says, "I've done one good thing. I was walking down the street and I saw this group of Hell's Angels messing with a woman. I walked up, punched the leader in the face and told him if he messed with her, he was messing with me." "Very interesting," St. Peter says, "I don't see that in my book. When did it happen?" The man answers, "Oh, about two seconds ago."
A blonde comes to a river and notices that it is narrow and wants to cross it but is afraid because she doesn't know how deep it is. Another blonde comes up on the other side of the river. The first blonde asks her Do you know how deep the river is? The second blonde answers, No. The first blonde then says, I wonder how you get to the other side? The second blonde says, Duh! You're already on the other side.
A fifth grade teacher is trying new things to keep her class interested. In an effort to motivate them , she tells them that whoever can identify a quote will get the rest of the day off and will not have to return to class until next monday. The teacher says, Who can tell me who said this, This is our finest hour? A girl in the front row raises her hand and says, Winston Chruchill . Very good, says the teacher, you are dismissed from class. Now, class, who said this, Ask not what your country can do for you...? Quickly, a girl in the second row raises her hand and says, John F. Kennedy. That's correct, says the teacher, you can leave the class now. Frustrated, Little Johnny at the back of the class shouts, I wish those girls would shut up. Looking up, the teacher says, Who said that? Little Johnny replies, Bill Clinton. See you on monday.
A blonde is fed up with the all the blonde jokes and she decides she will do her part to improve the image of blondes by memorizing the capitals of all 50 states. The next night she's at a bar and when she hears a man start to tell a blonde joke, she interrupts him and says, Not all blondes are dumb, you know. As a matter of fact, I have memorized the capitals of all 50 states. Is that a fact, says the man, So what's the capital of Vermont. The blonde replies proudly, V, of course, duh!!!
There is a new preacher in town and he is riding around on his bicycle meeting everyone. He comes up to a little boy who is pushing a lawnmower. The little boy offers to trade the preacher the lawnmower for the bicycle. Thinking it sounded like a pretty good idea, the preacher agreed. He took the lawnmower home and was unable to get it to start. A little later, he saw the boy riding by on the bicycle. Hey kid, said the preacher, I can't get the lawnmower to start. Oh, said the kid, I forgot to tell you, you have to curse at it to get it to start. Gee, said the preacher, it's been so long since I cursed, I don't know if i remember how. Just keep pulling on the rope, said the kid, it'll come back to you.
Two monkeys were in a tree at the edge of the jungle. They looked across the grassy plain and saw a lion sleeping. One monkey said, Watch, I’m going to have some fun with this lion. He walks up to the lion and kicks him in the behind. The monkey takes off running with the lion in hot pursuit. The monkey rounds a corner and sees a large group of monkeys sitting under a tree. The monkey grabs a newspaper and sits down with the other monkeys and pretends to be reading it. The lion comes up to the monkey and says, Did you see a monkey run through here? The monkey says, You mean the one that kicked that lion’s behind? The lion says, Is that in the paper already?
A young woman is walking down a beach on the West Coast when she finds a bottle. She picks it up and out pops a genie. The genie says he will grant her three wishes-however under the genie’s rules whatever he grants her he must grant double to her husband. This upsets the woman as she is going through a nasty divorce and her husband has already moved back to the East Coast. Sorry, but those are the rules, says the genie. OK, says the woman, my first wish is for $1 million dollars. Poof! The woman has one million dollars placed in front of her. At the same time on the East Coast, the man finds two million dollars in his living room. Now I’d like a 40 carat diamond, says the woman. Poof! The woman now has a 40 carat diamond around her neck. At the same time, an 80 carat diamond appears in her husband’s living room. Let me understand this, says the woman, whatever I ask for, you give double to my husband. That’s correct, says the genie. All right, says the woman, now I want you to scare me half to death.
Legend has it that in New York City there is a bar that has a very special mirror in the ladies’ room. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth one will be granted three wishes. However, if one stands in front of the mirror and lies, the mirror will swallow you up, never to be seen again. One day a redhead of questionable looks walks up to the mirror and says, I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the whole world. Poof!!! She is sucked into the mirror. Then a brunette walks up and says I think I’m the sexiest woman in the world. Poof!!! She is sucked into the mirror. Finally a drop dead gorgeous blonde walks up to the mirror, looks at it and says, I think... Poof!!! she is sucked into the mirror.
A preacher was coming through town doing a revival. After his sermon one evening an old lady asked him to come to her home for dinner. Looking forward to a home cooked meal, the preacher eagerly agreed. As he sits down to dinner he notices that the plates do not appear to be clean. He asks the old lady, "Excuse me, but are these plates clean?" "As clean as soap and water can get them," the old lady replies. The man takes her at her word and enjoys one of the finest meals he has ever eaten. For dessert, the old lady brings out a big slice of apple pie. Again, the man notices the plate is dirty. He asks her, "Are you sure this plate is clean?" Again the woman replies, "As clean as soap and water can get it." The man decides not to think about it and enjoys the most delicious apple pie he has ever tasted. He finishes his meal and the old woman begins to clear the table. She picks up the dinner plates, walks to the back door with them, steps outside, whistles and says, "Here Soap, here Water."
A preacher went to visit an elderly couple. He sat down with them and they had some coffee and after some time, the old woman said, "I need to go put clothes in the dryer." The old man said, "Oh, darling, sweetheart, let me do that for you." He left and took care of the laundry and then came back. A little later the old woman said, "The dishes need to be loaded into the dishwasher." The old man said, "Oh, precious, my angel, please let me do that for you." He left the room to take care of the dishes and when he returned, the preacher said to him, "I just want to compliment you on the loving names you call your wife. That's very sweet to hear from a couple that's been married as long as you two have." The old man leaned down to the preacher and whispered to him, "Don't tell anyone but I forgot her name a year ago."
A blonde woman was having money problems. There was going to be a big lottery drawing that evening so she prayed to God to let her win. When the numbers were drawn, however, she was not a winner. The next week there was an even bigger lottery, so again she prayed to God, saying, "Please, God, my kids are going hungry, they're about to take away my car. Please let me win the lottery." Again the woman was disappointed as she did not win. The next week she prayed to God again, saying, "God, it's getting really bad. I'm about to lose my house. Please let me win the lottery." All of a sudden the clouds opened up and a thunderous voice says, "Sylvia, you've got to buy a ticket."
A young woman went to confessional and said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned." "What is it my child?" the priest asked. "Father," the young woman answered, "I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, "My dear, I have very good news for you. That's not a sin. It's only a mistake."
A teacher was telling her first grade class the story of the three pigs. She said the first pig came up to the farmer and asked him, "Do you have any straw to help me build my house?" The teacher then asked, "Little Johnny, what do you think the farmer said?" Little Johnny replied, "He probably said, "Holy smokes, a talking pig!"
The children's Sunday School teacher asked, "If I sold my house, my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" All the kids answered, "No!" The teacher then asked, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?" The children again said, "No!" "OK," the teacher asked, "Then how can I get into heaven?" A little five year old boy from the back of the class shouted, "First, you've gotta be dead!"
An elderly gentleman moved into a neighborhood that he hoped would be quiet. Much to his disappointment, he discovered that every afternoon after school a group of boys came down the street banging on the trash cans. He decided he would put a stop to it. One afternoon he went outside and met the boys. He said to them, "You know boys, I used to do the same thing when I was in school. I like what you're doing so much I'm going to pay you a dollar for every trash can you bang on coming down this street." The boys thought a dollar a can was a great deal so they accepted his offer. He paid them a dollar a can for a few days and then he said to them, "You know boys, times are tough and I'm going to have to cut back but I can still pay you 50 cents for every can you bang on." The boys weren't too thrilled with the cut in pay but they reluctantly agreed. After a couple of weeks, the man went out to talk to the boys again. He said, "Things are really tough. I haven't received my social security check yet so I can only pay you a quarter for every trash can you bang on." The boys looked at each other and one of them said, "A quarter? We're not going to do that for a quarter. We quit!"
A man driving a large truck was stopped at a light when he saw a blonde get out of the car behind him and walk up to the truck. She said, "My name is Heather and you're losing part of your load." He looked at her funny and she got back into her car. At the next light she got out again and told him the same thing. He looked at her funny and drove off. When he stopped at the next light she got out and came up to the truck again. Again she said, "My name is Heather and you're losing part of your load." Finally the exasperated trucker said, "Lady, my name is Joe Smith. It's wintertime, we're in Minnesota and I'm salting the road."
A man had been a member of the Catholic Church for many years. One day his dog died and he took the dog to the church and asked the priest to say some words over him. The priest said, "I don't say words over a dog. You need to take him to one of those other churches down the street." The man answered, "But I've been a member here forever. I'd hate to take this $5000 donation to another church." The priest answered, "Hold on, you didn't tell me the dog was Catholic."
An Aggie is driving down a country road when he sees a farmer with a large flock of sheep. The Aggie stops and says to the farmer, If I can tell you how many sheep you have in this flock, will you give me one? The farmer agrees and the Aggie gets down on his hands and knees and puts his ear to the ground. In a few seconds he gets up and says to the farmer, You have 348 sheep in your flock. The farmer is amazed as the Aggie is exactly right. You win. Pick out your sheep, says the farmer. The Aggie is getting ready to leave when the farmer says, Son, I bet I can guess where you went to college. OK, where, says the Aggie. I bet you went to Texas A&M. That's right, but how did you know, says the Aggie. Well, son, that's my dog you're holding there.
Bill Clinton and Al Gore are flying into Arkansas to look into a new land deal. The word has leaked out that they are flying in and a large crowd has gathered near the airport where their small airplane will be landing. Looking out over the crowd, Bill Clinton reaches into his wallet and tosses a $20 from the plane down to the crowd, saying, That'll make one person really happy. Al Gore, not to be outdone, takes two $10s from his pocket, tosses them out and says, That'll make two people really happy. The president then throws out four $5s, saying, That'll make four people really happy. Listening to what is going on and getting fed up, the pilot says, Why don't you both jump out and make everyone happy?
An aggie has been in college for 20 years and it’s beginning to look like he’s never going to graduate. The board decides to let him graduate if he can answer one simple question. It will be done at halftime of an aggie home football game. The aggie is brought to midfield and he is asked the question that, if answered correctly, will allow him to graduate. The aggie is asked, What is 2 plus 2? The aggie thinks about it for a minute and finally answers, Four. The crowd goes wild with all the aggies screaming, Give him another chance, give him another chance.
A couple was awakened late one night by an intoxicated man beating on their front door. The man goes to the door and asks the drunk what he wants. "I need a push," the drunk said. The man says, "You need to go away and leave me alone. It's three o'clock in the morning!" The man goes back to bed and his wife says, "Remember that time we got stuck late one night and a man came by and was nice enough to give us a push. You should go back and help him." So the man goes back to the front door and shouts, "Do you still need a push?" From out of the darkness comes the reply, "Yes!" The man says, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "I'm here in the swing."
An old gentleman hadn't been feeling well so he went to the doctor. After running a complete battery of tests, the doctor told the man, "I don't really know what the problem is. I just can't tell, it may be because of the drinking." The old man looked at the doctor and replied, "Well, I can come back when you're sober."
Jim was one of the biggest worriers you ever saw. He worried about everything. When he got up in the morning he worried about what was for breakfast, he worried about what he was going to do at work that day and he worried about whether his VCR would tape his favorite show that night. Then one day one of his friends saw Jim and he looked very happy. His friend said, "You look like a changed man. What happened?" Jim said, "I hired a professional worrier to worry for me. Now I don't have a care in the world." His friend said, "That's great. What does he charge?" "A thousand dollars," Jim said. His friend asked, "How in the world are you going to pay for it?" Jim smiled and said, "That's his problem."
A man who lived in California was walking down the beach when he saw a bottle. He picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, "For centuries I've been giving everyone three wishes. I'm getting tired now, so I'm cutting back to only one wish. What do you wish for?" The man thought for a moment and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly. How about you build me a bridge so I can drive there?" The genie scratched his head and said, "I don't know about that. It's 3000 miles from California to Hawaii, and the Pacific ocean is very deep. Can you come up with something else?" The man thought and said, "I've always wanted to understand women. Can you give me some insight into how they think and what makes them do the things they do?" There was a long pause and then the genie said, "Would you like that bridge to be two lane or four lane?"
A Jewish man, a Hindu and an Aggie were on a business trip when their car quits on them. They were way out in the middle of nowhere with no other cars in sight, so they began walking. Finally, they come up to a farm house. They walk up and tell the farmer their story. It's just beginning to get dark, so the farmer suggests they stay the night with him and in the morning they'll head back to the car and see what is wrong with it. Only one problem, says the farmer, I only have room for two of you in the house. You'll have to draw straws to see who has to sleep in ther barn. The men draw straws, the Jewish fellow loses and he heads to the barn to bed down for the night. Just as he is getting settled in, a pig walks up and looks him in the eye. The Jewish man knocks on the door to tell the farmer, I'm sorry. I can't sleep in the barn with the pig. It's in violation of my religion. The farmer tells him to come inside and tells the other two men that one of them will have to sleep in the barn. Once again they draw straws and this time the Hindu loses. He is preparing to go to sleep when he notices a cow in the barn with him. Again there is a knock on the farmhouse door. It is the Hindu who tells him that his religion will not allow him to sleep in the barn with a cow. The farmer tells him to come in and informs the Aggie he will have to sleep in the barn. A couple of minutes go by and there is a knock at the door. The farmer opens the door and it's the cow and the pig.
A duck walks into a restaurant and says to the manager, Got any duck food? The manager replies, No. We don't serve ducks here. Get out!. The next day at the same time the duck walks in and says, Got any duck food? Again, the manager tells him no and advises him to leave. The next day at the same time the duck walks in and says, Got any duck food? By now the manager is getting upset, No, we don't have any duck food. I've told you before we don't serve ducks here. If you ever come back in here again, I'll nail your flat little webbed feet to the floor. The next day the duck walks in and says, Got any nails? The manager replies, No. The duck then asks, Got any duck food?
Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman’s life?
A: Third grade.
Q: What do you call a good looking woman from Oklahoma?
A: A tourist.
A senator, a clergyman and a boy scout were passengers on a small plane when the pilot came back and announced that the plane was having engine trouble. The pilot said, It looks like we’re going down and the bad news is that we only have three parachutes on the plane. I have a wife and seven kids and my family needs me, so I’m taking one of the parachutes, and with that the pilot bailed out. The three remaining passengers looked at each other and the senator said, I’m the smartest politician in the whole world and my country needs me, so I’m taking a parachute. And with that, the politician jumped. The clergyman looked at the boy scout and said, I’ve had a good life and yours is just beginning. You take the last parachute. The boy scout replied, Don’t have to. That smart politician strapped on my backpack when he jumped.
A man was having his preacher and his wife over for supper one night and out of the blue the man’s parrot said, Hey, preacher, your wife sure is ugly. The man snatched up his parrot and took him out of the room. The man told the parrot, If you ever do anything like that again, I’ll pluck your tail feathers out. The next week the preacher and his wife were over for dinner again and sure enough, the parrot said, Hey, preacher, your wife sure is ugly. The man grabbed the parrot, took him out of the room and plucked out one of the bird’s tail feathers. He then said, If you ever say any thing like that again, I’ll pluck out the rest of your tail feathers. The next week the preacher and his wife were over for dinner again. Throughout the meal, the parrot was quiet, not saying a word. Then as the preacher and his wife were preparing to leave the parrot said, Hey, preacher! The preacher glared at the bird and said, What? The parrot replied, You know what!
A cowboy rides into town and walks into a saloon for a drink. When he finishes his drink he discovers his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, flips his gun out of his holster, spins it around, fires a shot into the ceiling and says, Which one of you stole my horse? No one answers, so he says, OK then, I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse isn’t back outside when I finish I’m gonna do what I did in Texas...and I don’t wanna do what I did in Texas. This makes several of the cowboys in the bar nervous because he sounds like he means business. He finishes his beer and when he steps outside sure enough, his horse is back. The cowboy gets on his horse and is starting to ride away when the bartender steps up to him and says, I’ve just gotta know, stranger, what did you do when that happened to you in Texas? The cowboy replied, I had to walk home.
A blonde took her car into the paint and body shop to have some repairs made. She had recently been in an accident and the man at the shop told her it would cost several thousand dollars to get the car back like new. The blonde said, "No way I have that kind of money. Can I do the repairs myself at home and save some money?" The body man told her, "Sure, lady. Just take the car home, blow real hard on the tail pipe and all those dents will just pop right out." This sounded like a great idea to the blonde so she took the car home, parked it in her garage and began blowing as hard as she could into her tail pipe. At this time her blonde friend walked up and asked her what she was doing. The first blonde told her and the second blonde replied, "Girlfriend! I can't believe you're such a dumb blonde. Don't you know that's never going to work until you roll the windows up!"
Three blonde guys were standing in front of a wide river trying to decide how to get across. The first one says a prayer, "God, please make me smart enough to get across the river." God turns him into a brunette and he swims across. The second blonde guy says, "Lord, please make me a little smarter than him and help me get across this river." He is turned into a redhead and he builds a boat and rows across. The third blonde guy says, "Please Lord make me smarter than that and get me across the river." God turned him into a woman and he walked across the bridge.
A preacher had a bicycle he wanted to sell. A young man came by with a lawn mower he wanted to sell and before long the two had worked out a trade. About an hour later the preacher decided to mow his lawn. He tried and tried, but the mower just wouldn't start. He called the young man to tell him of the problem. The young man replied, "I forgot to tell you, preacher, to get that mower to start, you've got to cuss at it." The preacher, taken aback by this, replied, "Son, I can't cuss. I've been preaching for twenty years and I've forgotten how." The young man said, "Preacher, you just pull on that cord long enough and it'll come back to you."
A very small town had four churches of different denominations and the ministers were all very friendly with each other. One day the ministers were talking and they all decided that if they wanted to become better people they should discuss their faults and shortcomings. The first minister said, "I teach from the pulpit every Sunday that dancing is very wrong, but when I'm on vacation my wife and I go out of town dancing every night." The second minister said, "I teach that gambling is wrong but bingo is in my blood. On Saturday nights my wife and I drive far out of town to play bingo." The third minister said, "I teach that drinking to excess is wrong. But every night before I go to bed I like to have a glass of wine to help me sleep." The fourth minister smiled and said, "My biggest fault is that I like to gossip. And I just can't wait to get out of here."
A 80 year old man in Florida called his son in New York one November day. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you this, but we've got big trouble here in this house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore and we're getting a divorce. I've had it. I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now so you and your sister won't go into shock when I move out." Stunned, his son hangs up and immediately calls his sister, who also lives in New York. After hearing the news, his sister says, "I'll handle this." She calls her father in Florida and says, "Dad, don't do anything until we get there. My brother and I will be there Wednesday night." The father, after hanging up the phone says to his wife, "OK, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"
A beautiful blonde was walking down the street. She came up to a man and asked him if he could give her the time. "Sure," the man said, "It's four o'clock." The blonde looked dumbfounded and said, "It's the strangest thing. I've been asking people that question all day long and I keep getting a different answer."
A man bought himself a nice farm, 40 acres with a pond on the back portion. He had the pond fixed up with a diving board and picnic tables, it was very nice. One day the man heard laughing and giggling coming from the pond so he went down to investigate. He found six young women swimming. When they saw him they swam to the deepest part of the pond and one of them shouted to him, "We're skinny dipping. We're not coming out until you leave." He answered, "Ladies, I didn't come here to watch you swim or watch you get out of my pond. I just came down to feed my alligator."
A man had not been feeling well so he went to see his doctor. After a complete head to toe exam the doctor sent the man out of the room and asked to speak to the man's wife. He told her, "Your husband is very sick. I believe we can save him but I'll need your help. You'll need to tend to his every need 24 hours a day. Fix breakfast, lunch and dinner for him. Only homemade meals, no fast food. Anything he needs bring it to him. When the kids get out of school, take care that they don't bother him. When it's time for bed, draw his bath and make sure he gets his rest. In general, his wish should be your command." His wife replied, "OK, doctor. I'll do what I can." The husband and wife left the hospital and when they got into the car the husband said, "Well, honey, what did he tell you?" "He said you're going to die," his wife answered.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and said, "How much do you charge?" The lawyer answered, "You get three questions for $50." The man said, "That's a little steep, isn't it?" The lawyer replied, "I don't think so. Now, what's your third question?"
An elderly couple had begun to have trouble remembering things so they agreed to write everything down to avoid forgetting. One evening they were watching TV and the man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, "Honey, would you bring me a bowl of ice cream?" He answered, "Sure." His wife said, "You'd better write it down." He said, "How hard can it be to remember a bowl of ice cream?" and went into the kitchen. Fifteen minutes later he returned carrying a large tray with bacon, eggs, coffee and juice. His wife looked at the tray and said, "I told you to write it down. You've forgotten the toast!"
A blonde and a brunette were sitting in a bar watching the news. One of the stories was about a man threatening to jump to his death from a tall building. The brunette said, "I'll bet you $5 that man jumps." The blonde accepted the bet and within a few minutes the man jumps to his death. The blonde reaches for her purse to pay off when the brunette says, "I'm sorry. I can't take your money. I watched the six o'clock news earlier and I knew he was going to jump." The blonde replied, "You don't understand. I watched it too but I didn't think the guy would jump twice."
Two Aggies pool their money and buy a farm. Using all their money to buy their place, they have no money left over for farm equipment. So, to plow the fields, they have to use a mule. Each morning when they take the mule out of the barn, his ears rub against the top of the door. The Aggies don't like this, so they spend all day jacking up the barn a few inches so the mule's ears won't hit the top of the door. A city fellow stops by and watches what they're doing. When they're done, he says, Wouldn't it have been a lot easier just to dig out a path in the floor a couple of inches for the mule? The Aggies look at each other and laugh. One of them says, City boy, it's the mule's ears what is too long, not his legs!
A preacher was giving a sermon one sunday morning when he said, You know, last night I was in the arms of another woman. The congregation was shocked until he said, It was my mother. A young preacher visiting the church that morning thought that was such a great story that he would try it on his congregation the next sunday. The next week in church, the young preacher said, You know, last night I was in the arms of another woman. The young preacher, being inexperienced and nervous, then forgot what he was supposed to say next. Becoming flustered, he said, And as soon as I remember who it was I'll let you know.
A guy is driving around College Station when he sees a couple of Aggies hard at work. One is digging a deep hole. Another is following along behind him filling the hole back in. Finally curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the Aggies what they are doing. We're planting trees, says one of the Aggies. Tree planting, says the man, it looks like to me you are just digging holes and filling them back in. Well, you see, says the Aggie, the man with the trees called in sick today.
An 85 year old man is out jogging when he sees a beautiful young woman. He stops by and strikes up a conversation with her. While he is talking with her his doctor drives by and notices what is going on. The doctor pulls up and says, You're an 85 year old man with a heart condition--what do you think you're doing? The man says, I was out jogging, like you told me to do and then I saw this beautiful young woman, so I followed your instructions. The doctor says, What do you mean, following my instructions? The man says, Remember you told me to 'Find a hot mama and be cheerful' . The doctor replies, You old fool, I told you that you had a heart murmur and you should be careful.
A young couple gets married and for their first home cooked meal the bride decides to bake a ham. Before she puts the ham in the oven she cuts about a third off one end and throws that portion away. Her husband notices what she is doing and says, Honey, why did you do that? The wife says, I don’t know. It’s just something my mother always did. The husband says, Why don’t you call your mother and find out why she does that? The wife says OK and calls her mother and says, Mom, why did you always cut off the end of the ham before you cooked it? Her mother says, I really don’t know. It’s something your grandmother always did. Why don’t you call and ask her? She calls her grandmother, asking her the same question. Her grandmother replies, I don’t know. I just did it because my mother always did. Why don’t you call your great-grandmother and ask her? The bride calls her great-grandmother and says, Gram, why do you cut the end off a ham before you bake it? Her great- grandmother replies, Well, honey, the reason I always did it was because my pan was too short.
A brunette was walking down the railroad tracks and as she stepped on each crosstie she would say 29. A blonde walked up and thought it looked like the brunette was having fun, so she began walking behind the brunette on the railroad tracks, saying 29 each time she stepped on a crosstie. Before long a train was approaching. The brunette saw it and jumped out of the way just in time, but the blonde was not so lucky. She was so involved in walking and saying 29 that she was hit by the train. When the train passed, the brunette began walking on the tracks again, this time saying, 30, 30 , 30...
An after dinner speaker was running late for an engagement. He left his house in such a hurry that when he arrived and sat down at the head table he realized he'd forgotten his false teeth. He turned to the man next to him and said, "This is so embarassing. I've forgotten my false teeth." "No problem," said the man, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pair of false choppers, "Try these." He tried them on and they were too large. His friend simply reached into his pocket and pulled out another pair. This time the teeth were too small. He reached into his pocket a third time and pulled out another pair which fit perfectly. The man wore the teeth and the meal and his speech went off without any problems. Afterward, the man walked up to his new friend and said, "I really appreciate your help. I've been looking for a good dentist. Where is your office?" The man laughed and said, "Oh, I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
A young woman gets on a bus carrying her baby in her arms. The bus driver takes a look at the baby, who is not the cutest child in the world, and says, "Sorry, lady. That baby is so ugly it's scaring all my customers. I'm going to have to ask you to either get off the bus or move to the back where no one can see that ugly kid." The woman walks to the back of the bus, sits down and begins sobbing. A man comes up to her and says, "You don't have to let him talk to you like that! What you should do right now is go back up to that bus driver and tell him off. Stand up for yourself! Give him a piece of your mind! And while you're there, I'll keep an eye on your monkey."
A man walks into a bar and sees an old friend of his looking very sad, with his head down over a beer. He goes over to him and says, "Hey, what's the matter?" His friend says, "On Monday my uncle died and left me $2 million. Tuesday I got a settlement on that car wreck I had a few years back. It paid me $3 million. Yesterday I hit the state lottery for $18 million." The man says, "That sounds great! Why in the world are you so sad?" His friend answers, "Today...nothing."
A man bought his wife a piano for her birthday. A couple of weeks later he met one of his neighbors on the street and she asked him if his wife was enjoying her piano. The man said, "Actually, I've persuaded her to give up the piano for the clarinet." The woman asked, "The clarinet...why?" The man said, "Because she can't sing while playing the clarinet."
A young girl was writing a paper for school when she came to her father and asked, "Dad, what's the difference between anger and exasperation?" Her father said, "Well, let me show you." He picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the person on the other end of the line answered, her father said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man at the other end of the line said, "Sorry, you must have the wrong number, there's no Melvin here." Her father said, "Now watch this." He dialed the same number again and again said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" This time the man on the other end of the line was not so nice. He said, "Look, I told you there was no Melvin here. You've got a lot of nerve calling me again!" and he hung up the phone. Her father said, "Now that's anger. His next response will be exasperation." Her father called the number again and said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
A blonde had reached the million dollar question on the "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" show. The final question was, "Which one of these birds does not live in a nest...A: Wren; B: Robin; C: Mockingbird or D: Cuckoo?" The blonde thought for a moment and said, "It's D: Cuckoo. And that's my final answer." She was correct and she won $1,000,000. Afterwards she was celebrating her victory with some of her girlfriends. One of them said, "I can't believe you won. How did you know the final answer?" "Oh, silly," the blonde answered, "It was so easy. Everyone knows cuckoos live in clocks!"
Little Johnny was in class one day when the teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. Little Johnny answered, "I don't know and I could really care less." The teacher said, "What did you say?" Little Johnny replied, "I said I don't know who signed the Declaration of Independence and I could really care less." The teacher sent little Johnny to detention for the rest of the week. On Friday when Little Johnny came back to class the teacher again asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. Again little Johnny answered that he didn't know and could care less. The frustrated teacher called little Johnny's dad and asked him to come to school to observe Johnny's behavior in class. The next week after school started little Johnny's dad quietly came in and sat at the back of the room. The teacher again asked Johnny the question about the Declaration of Independence and again Johnny said he didn't know and could care less. His father jumped up and got in Johnny's face. He said, "Son, you know better than that. Don't ever lie to your teacher. If you signed that thing, tell her the truth!"
There are only two things to worry about. Either you're well or you're sick. If you're well there's nothing to worry about. If you're sick, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will get well or you will die. If you get well, there's nothing to worry about. If you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or you will go to hell. If you go to heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If you go to hell, you'll be so darn busy shaking hands with all your old friends, you won't have time to worry.
A mother called her daughter and said, "Your father and I are getting a divorce." Her daughter, shocked, said, "No, mom. You can't do that, you've been married for 40 years." Her mother replied, "He's been stubborn and contrary the whole time and I'm going to kick him out." Her daughter said, "Don't do anything, mom. Let me call my brother." She hung up, phoned her brother and said, "Mom and Dad are getting a divorce." Her brother said, "They can't do that. I'll call dad. Be ready to go see them if we need to." He called his father and said, "Dad, what's going on?" His father replied, "You're mother and I are getting a divorce. She's been stubborn and contrary for 40 years and I can't take it any more." His son said, "Dad, don't do anything. My sister and I are flying out tomorrow." His father hung up and shouted, "Honey, it worked! The kids are coming for Thanksgiving and they're paying for their own airline tickets!"
With most all women working now and having very little time for socializing, a husband shopping center was opened where women could go and choose a husband. It is laid out with five floors. As you go up there is an increase in positive attributes on each floor. There is one catch, however, once you open the door to a floor you must choose a husband from that floor and exit the building. A woman looking for a husband enters the first floor and sees a sign that says "These men have jobs and love kids." She thought to herself, "That's pretty good but I wonder what's on the second floor." So on to the next floor she went. There was a sign that said, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids and are good looking." She liked this but still was curious so she went to the third floor. Here there was a sign saying, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids and help with housework." She thought that was great but she had to check out the fourth floor. Here there was a sign that said, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak." She thought this sounded nearly perfect but she had to see what the fifth floor held. On this floor there was a sign that said, "This floor is to prove that women are impossible to please. Kindly exit the building."
A man walks into a bar one evening. He sits down at the bar and asks for a double shot of whiskey. He sits there for a while and drinks it and then asks for another. After four shots of whiskey he looks into his pocket, shakes his head and asks the bartender to give him another. This goes on for about four hours. Finally the bartender asks him what's going on. He asks, "Every evening you come in here and drink whiskey and look in your pocket. What's going on?" The man replies, "I drink a little and then I look in my pocket at a picture of my wife. When she looks good, I go home."
A preacher is delivering a sermon and he says, Next week's sermon will be on the subject of lying. To prepare you for it, I want you all to read Mark Chapter 17 before next Sunday. The next Sunday, the preacher stepped up to the pulpit and said, Before we get underway, how many of you read Mark Chapter 17? Every hand in the small church went up. The preacher then said, Well, mark only has 16 chapters. Now I'll proceed with my sermon on lying.
A couple of guys are talking and one of them tells him how his relationship with his wife has improved. It's really easy, the guy says, I just make an effort to be really nice to my wife. I compliment her on everything she does and I try to be more affectionate. Thinking that sounds like something he can do, the second man goes home and immediately begins complimenting his wife, hugging her and telling her how beautiful she looks. Suddenly his wife bursts into tears. What's wrong? the man asks. The wife replies, I've had such a terrrible day. First, Billy fell off his bike and skinned his knee, then the washing machine broke and now you come home drunk!
A homebuilder has just finished up a house and is showing it to a prospective buyer. As he is taking the couple through the living room, he sticks his head out the window and shouts, Green side up. He takes them into the master bedroom and again sticks his head out the window, shouting, Green side up. They are looking at the kitchen and again the man sticks his head out the window and shouts, Green side up. Finally, the woman's curiosity gets the best of her and she asks the man, Why do you keep looking out the window and shouting 'Green side up?' Oh, says the man, That's because I've got a couple of Aggies out their laying sod.
A school teacher gives her second grade class the assignment of telling the class something they learned from a member of their family. Little Johnny begins by telling the class that his family raises chickens and sells eggs. One day they were taking their eggs into town in a basket and they went over a bump in the road, causing several of the eggs in the basket to break. The lesson learned was Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Little Mary said her family raised chickens also and sometimes they would put a dozen eggs in the incubator and only seven or eight of them would hatch. The lesson learned-- Don't count your chickens before they're hatched. Little Billy proceeded to tell a story about his Uncle Harry who was shot down over a tropical island during World War II. Uncle Harry parachuted out of his plane only to be surrounded by cannabilistic natives. As the natives where closing in on Uncle Harry, he reached into his jacket, pulled out a flask of whiske!, took a big drink and proceeded to kill all the natives with his bare hands. My, what a terrible story, said the teacher. What can we possibly learn from such a story Little Billy replied, You learn not to mess with Uncle Harry when he's been drinking.
Three aggies are walking across the desert. One has a sack lunch, one is carrying a bucket of water and the third is carrying a car door. After awhile, one gets hungry and eats his sack lunch. A little later, the other second aggie gets thirsty and drinks his water. After finishing his drink, the second aggie asks the third, Why in the world are you carrying that car door? The third aggie replies, Well, I figure if we get hot later, I can roll down the window.
A burglar is going through a very expensive home, filling up his bag with jewelry and cash when he hears a voice say, Jesus is watching you. Thinking he must be going crazy, he keeps on collecting stuff and again he hears a voice say Jesus is watching you. The burglar turns around and shines his flashlight in the direction of the voice and he sees a birdcage with a large parrot inside. The burglar says, Is that you that’s talking? The bird replies, Yes. Jesus is watching you. The burglar says, Is that a fact? And what’s your name? The parrot says, Moses. The burglar replies, Moses, huh? What kind of person would name their parrot Moses? The parrot says, The same kind of person that would name their Rottweiler ‘Jesus’ .
A man was moping around the house on his 20th anniversary. His wife walked in and noticed he looked sad and asked him what was wrong. The man said, Remember 20 years ago when your daddy held a shotgun to my head and told me I had to either marry you or go to jail. Yes, the wife replied, What's that got to do with anything? Her husband says, I'd be getting out tomorrow.
A man calls his attorney’s office and tells the receptionist he’d like to speak to his lawyer. The receptionist replies, I’m sorry, your lawyer has died. The man hangs up and calls back the next day, again asking to speak to his attorney. The receptionist again says, I’m sorry, your lawyer has died. The man hangs up and calls back again the next day, again asking to speak to his attorney. This time the receptionist says, This makes the third day you’ve called and it’s the third time I’ve told you that your lawyer has died. Why do you keep calling back? The man replies, I just like to hear it.
A man and woman have been married 50 years and all that time she has kept a trunk at the foot of the bed and never let the old man see what was in it. On their 50th anniversary, the man says, Isn’t it time I got to take a look inside that trunk? The woman replies, I guess you’re right and opens the trunk. Inside the man sees $25, 000 in cash and two ears of corn. The man takes a look and, confused, asks, Honey, what are the two ears of corn for? The woman replies, Darling, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an ear of corn in there. The man reflects on this for a moment and decides that, after 50 years, two times isn’t too bad. He then says, What is the $25,000 for? The woman replies, Every time I got a bushel, I’d sell it.
A man and his wife go to the doctor. After the doctor gets through examining the man, he asks the wife to come back to his office. The doctor says, You husband has, perhaps, a year to live. But if you do three things, he could live indefinitely. First, you must be kind to him, never argue with him. Second, you must cook him three delicious meals a day. And, third, his every wish is your command. The wife replies, Yes, doctor, and leaves the office to take her husband home. In the car, the husband says, Well, honey, what did the doctor say? The wife replied, He said you’re gonna die.
A young couple got married and when they returned from their honeymoon the wife’s mother called and asked her how things were going. The new bride said, The honeymoon was wonderful, but mother, as soon as we got home a big change came over my husband. He started using terrible language-all these four letter words I’d never heard before. Her mother replied, Really, honey, and what four letter words did he use? The young bride replied, Cook, wash, dust and iron.
A lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, every place I touch on my body causes me excruciating pain. I touch my stomach, I have excruciating pain, I touch my ear and I have excruciating pain, even when I touch behind my knee I have excruciating pain. The doctor thinks about what she has said for a moment and says, How long have you been a blonde? The woman replies, All my life. Why? The doctor says, Because you have a broken finger.
A small town preacher was known for riding his bicycle to church every Sunday morning. One morning he was seen walking to church. One of the parishioners asked him what had happened to the bicycle. The preacher replied, I guess someone must have stolen it. I can’t find it anywhere. The parishioner then said, That’s terrible. I can’t imagine anyone stealing a preacher’s bicycle. You should preach a sermon on the ten commandments and when you get to the part about Thou shalt not steal you should hit it real hard and maybe the thief will feel guilty and bring back your bike. That sounds like a good idea. I’ll do just that, the preacher replied. The next week the preacher is seen riding his bike to church, as usual. The parishioner walks up and asks him, Did the sermon on the ten commandments work? The preacher replied, Well, sort of. I was preaching about the ten commandments and when I got to the part about adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle.
A family hired a blonde to house sit for them while they were away. Since she was a blonde, they didn't want to give her too many responsibilities so they told her if anything went wrong to call 9-11. She said she'd be sure and remember to do that. When the family returned home, they found their home burned to the ground and the blonde in the front yard, crying. "What happened," they asked her. "The house caught on fire," she sobbed, "And I tried to do what you told me to do. I picked up the phone and dialed nine and then I couldn't find the 'eleven'"
A couple was listening to the weather on the radio early one morning when the announcer said a snow warning was in effect--three to five inches of snow was expected. To make way for the snowplows, all cars must be parked on the odd numbered sides of the street. The husband heads out into the snow and moves the car to the odd numbered side of the street. Two days later another snowstorm is bearing down on the city and this time all the cars have to be on the even numbered sides of the street. The husband again grumbles and goes outside to move the car to the even numbered side of the street. Three days later they are again listening to the radio when the announcer says, "Another snow warning is in effect. All cars must be moved to ..." and then the power went off and the radio went dead. The man asked his wife, "What should I do with the car this time?" His wife replied, "I think you ought to leave it in the garage."
One hot summer afternoon a man was heading to the lake to cool off when he came upon a man dressed head to toe in red. He motioned to the man to pull over and the man did. He came up to the car window and said, "I'm the red jerk of the highway. Do you have anything to eat?" The man gave him one of his sandwiches and went on his way. A bit further down the road the man came upon a man dressed head to toe in yellow who motioned for him to pull over. He stuck his head in the window and said, "I'm the yellow jerk of the highway. Do you have anything to drink?" The man, frustrated now, gave him a coke and quickly pulled away. A bit further down the road he saw a man dressed in blue standing by the side of the road and motioning for him to pull over. The man rolled down his window and before the man in blue could say anything said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?" The man in blue replied, "Your drivers license and registration, please."
Did you hear about the snail who went into the doctor's office after being run over by a turtle? The doctor said, "Tell me what happened." The snail replied, "I don't know, doc. It all happened so fast..."
An Aggie bought a lottery ticket and won the big jackpot. When he went to collect, he was informed by the lottery folks that they would give him $150,000 in cash and $20,000 a month for twenty years. The Aggie was upset, "I thought I was going to get all my money now," he said. "Sorry, that's not how it works," the man from the lottery replied. "Well, then," the angry Aggie answered, "If that's how it's going to be, just give me my dollar back."
A lady goes into the grocery store and buys several 40 pound bags of dog food. This goes on for several weeks and finally the manager gets curious and asks, "Ma'am do you have a kennel?" The woman answers, "No, I don't." The manager then says, "Well, you must have a lot of dogs." She says, "In fact, I don't have a dog at all. I buy this for my husband to eat." The manager says, "That food is for dogs. It's not for human consumption. If that's all he ever eats, it'll kill him." The woman says, "Well, he's been eating it all his life and it's never bothered him." The woman continues making regular trips to the grocery store for the next few months, always buying dog food. Then one day she comes in and doesn't buy any dog food at all. The manager says to her, "I couldn't help but notice that you didn't buy any dog food. Is everything OK?" The woman replies, "No. In fact my husband just died." The manager says, "I told you that dog food would kill him sooner or later." The woman answered, "That's not it at all. He was lying out in the street licking himself and a dump truck ran over him."
A little girl comes up to her mother and says, "Mommy, my stomach hurts." Her mother says, "Well,if it had something in it, it might feel better. Why don't you go and make yourself a sandwich?" The little girl prepares a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for herself and soon feels better. Later that day their preacher comes over for a visit. He is chatting with the girl's mother when he says, "You know, my head's been hurting all day." The little girl pipes in and says, "Well, if it had something in it, it might feel better."
A doctor answered the phone at his home and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end. His friend said, "We need a fourth for poker." The doctor answered, "I'll be right there." As he was putting on his coat, his wife said, "Is it serious." "Yes," the doctor said gravely, "There are three other doctors there already."
A young man asked a rich old man how he had made his money. The old man said, "Well, it was 1932, the depth of the great depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple. At the end of the day I sold that apple for a dime. The next morning I invested that ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing those apples and at the end of the day I sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month and by the end of the month I had amassed a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us $2 million."
A man went into a pet store and saw a parrot that had a green string on one leg and a red string on the other. "What's up with the strings?" he asked. The pet shop owner answered, "If you pull on the green string the bird speaks in Spanish. Pull on the red string and he speaks in French." "What happens if you pull both strings?" the man asked. The parrot looked at him and squawked, "I fall off this perch, you big dummy."
A little elderly lady lived in a nursing home and one day her pastor came to visit her. He sat down by her bed and noticed on her nightstand a bowl of peanuts. He automatically picked up a peanut and ate it. As they talked he kept eating. Finally when there were none left he said, "I'm so sorry. I've eaten all your peanuts." "That's all right," the woman said, "I can't eat peanuts. All I do is suck the chocolate off them."
A woman invited some people over to dinner. At the table she turned to her little six year old daughter and said, "Honey, will you say the blessing?" The little girl protested, "Mom, I don't know what to say." Her mother said, "Just say what you always hear me say." The little girl bowed her head and said, "Oh Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A man and his wife were awakened at three o'clock in the morning by the sound of someone pounding on their front door. The man goes to the door and there is a drunken stranger standing there in the pouring rain. The drunk asks the man if he can have a push. "Not a chance," says the man, who slams the door and returns to the bedroom. "Who was that?" asks his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he said. "Did you help him?" his wife asked. "No, I did not. It's three o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain outside," the man said. "You have a short memory," said the wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him. You should be ashamed of yourself." The man sighs, gets dressed and goes back downstairs. He steps outside and says, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" he asks. "Yes, please," came the reply from the dark. "OK. Where are you?" "Over here in the swing."
A lady took her husband to the doctor. The doctor came out of the exam room and said, "I really don't like how your husband looks." She replied, "Well, I don't either, but he's good to the kids."
Little Janie called her mother and said, Mama, come get me. None of the kids like me, they all make fun of me and I'm sure all the teachers are talking about me behind my back. I don't want to go back to school another day in my life. Her mother answered, "Janie, you've got to go back. You're the principal."
The police department was looking for new recruits and three blonde friends showed up. The officer took them into a room and showed them a profile picture of a man. He then said, "This is to check your powers of observation. What did you notice about the man?" The first blonde said, "Well, he only has one ear." The officer replied, "No, that's a profile picture." The second blonde said, "He only has one eye." The officer, becoming flustered, said, "Ladies this is a profile shot." The third blonde said, "He wears contacts." The officer was intrigued by this answer. He checked the file and discovered that the man in the picture was indeed wearing contact lenses. "Very good," he said, "How did you know?" The blonde replied, "Well, if he only has one eye and one ear, he can't wear glasses!"
A man had been wandering through the desert for days. Finally he came upon a man sitting at a table. "I'm dying of thirst," said the man, "Could you give me some water?" The man behind the table said, "Sorry, I don't have any water but why don't you buy a tie?" He showed him the neckties he had displayed on the table. The man said, "I don't want a tie. I just want some water!" "OK. OK," said the man behind the table, "About four miles over that hill is a restaurant where they'll give you some water." The man thanked him and staggered over the hill. About three hours later, the man stumbled back to the table. "Couldn't you find the restaurant?" the man behind the table asked. "I found it but your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"
A blonde in New York City wanted to go to Europe for two weeks. She went to a bank and asked to borrow $5000 for her trip. The banker said, "Ma'am you don't have an account with us." The woman replied, "That's OK. I've got a Rolls Royce out front. I'll leave it with you while I'm gone." The banker checked out the car and found she was telling the truth, so he gave her the $5000 and took the Rolls down to the bank's parking garage. When she returned from her vacation, the woman returned to the bank to repay the loan, which was $5000 plus $15 interest, and to pick up her Rolls. The banker said, "We checked on you while you were gone. You have money. Why did you borrow $5000 from us for your trip?"
The woman replied, "Where else could I park a car in New York City for $15?"
A blonde and a brunette were walking down the sidewalk. The brunette said, "Look, a dead bird." The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"
Two little boys were playing together on the school playground. One of the boys says to the other, My name's Billy. What's yours? The other little boy replies, Johnny. Billy then says, My daddy is an accountant. What does yours do? Johnny replies, My daddy's a lawyer. Billy says, Honest? Johnny replies, No, just the regular kind.
God and St. Peter are talking about all the sad stories they had heard at the Pearly Gates and they decided to present the Golden Harp award to the saddest story of the day. The first man walks up to St. Peter and says, I lived on the fifth floor of an apartment building. I suspected my wife was seeing another man. I came home early one day and found her wearing a sexy outfit, so I immediately searched the entire apartment looking for the other man. I looked all over the apartment--in the closets, under the bed, everywhere. Finally, I looked out on the balcony and I saw eight fingers clutching the ledge, holding on for dear life. I was so mad I went over and stomped those fingers as hard as I could and the man fell five floors. But, he wasn't killed, he landed in a tree which broke his fall. I was in such a rage that I grabbed the refrigerator and hurled it off the balcony and onto the man below. In doing this, I overexerted myself and had a heart attack and died!
And that's how I got to the Pearly Gates. That's a pretty good story, says St. Peter. Let's see what the next man has to say. The second man says, I lived on the sixth floor of an apartment building. I was out exercising on my balcony when I slipped and fell. Fortunately, I was able to grab hold of the balcony right below me. I was holding on for dear life when this crazy man comes over, stomps on my fingers, and I fell. I thought I was going to die, but I landed in a tree and survived. Just as I was beginning to recover, I look up and see a refrigerator hurtling toward me. It landed on top of me and that's how I died and got here. St. Peter says, Another good story. Let's bring in the last guy and see what his story is. The third man says, Well, I was hiding in this refrigerator...
A couple of guys are out of work and looking for a job. They stop by the local airport for an interview. The airport manager asks the first guy what he does and he replies that he is a woodcutter. He asks his friend what he does and he replies that he is a pilot. This gets his attention and he tells him, Well, I might be able to use you, but not your friend.
That just won't work, says the man, we work together as a team. I don't understand, says the manager. The man replies, You see, he cuts the wood and I pile it.
The turn signal went out on an aggie's car. The aggie replaced the tail light bulb and asked one of his fellow aggies to stand behind the car while he tested the turn signal. His friend took a good look at the light and said, It's working-now it's not working. It's working-now it's not working.
Adam is talking to God in the Garden of Eden. Adam says to God, I could really use a companion. God replies, I can make someone who will be the ideal companion, will care for you, wait on you hand and foot and cater to your every need. Sounds great, says Adam. Only one problem, says God, It’ll cost you an arm and a leg. Oh, replies Adam, What could I get for a rib?
It had been raining very hard for several hours and a man was sitting on his front porch watching the water around his house rise when the police drove by. The policeman said, You’d better come with us, sir. It looks like your house may flood. The man replied, No, thank you. I’m putting my faith in the Lord and He’ll protect me. The waters continued to rise and the man had to climb up onto his roof. A man in a boat came by and said, Come on! You’re going to wash away! The man replied, No, thank you. I’m putting my faith in the Lord and He’ll protect me. The waters continued to rise and finally the man had to climb up to the very top of his chimney to escape them. A rescue helicopter came by and tried to get the man but again he said, No. I’m putting my faith in the Lord and He’ll protect me. Within a few minutes the waters were over the chimney and the man was swept away and drowned. When the man arrived at the Pearly Gates, he said to St. Peter, I’m really mad. I put my faith in the Lord. How could he let me drown? St. Peter replied, Well, I sent a policeman, a boat and a helicopter. What else did you want me to do?
A preacher was walking down the street when he came upon a group of boys between the ages of ten and twelve who had surrounded a dog. Fearing that they were going to harm the dog, the preacher rushed up and asked the boys what they were doing. One of the boys explained to the preacher that the dog was a neighborhood stray and that each of the boys wanted to take the dog home. So they had decided to have a contest. The boy that told the biggest lie would be allowed to take the dog home. The preacher replied, "You boys shouldn't be doing this. Don't you know it's a sin to lie? When I was your age I never told a lie!" The group of boys got very silent for a few moments and finally the smallest of the boys sighed and said, "OK, he gets the dog."
Two women, a blonde and a brunette, were starting up a cattle ranch. They decided they needed a bull to increase the size of the herd. The brunette takes her life savings and heads to a cattle auction, where she buys a fine bull. Unfortunately, it takes almost all her money to buy the bull and the brunette finds herself with only one dollar to her name and no way to get the bull back to the ranch. She knows she needs to contact the blonde back at the ranch to tell her about her purchase. So, she goes to the telegraph office to see about sending a telegram. The operator tells her that telegrams cost 75 cents a word. The brunette thinks for a moment and says, "All right. Send my friend a telegram with this message: 'Comfortable.'" The telegraph operator says, "OK. But how is this going to solve your problem?" The brunette says, "You see, my blonde friend is a slow reader. She'll see a big word like that and read 'Com-for-ta-bul.'"
A man hailed a cab and noticed the driver was a nun. They took off and the nun noticed the passenger was staring at her. She asked, "Why are you staring at me?" The man replied, "Well, it is kind of unusual to see a nun driving a cab. And, I've always wanted to kiss a nun." The nun replied, "Well, I might let you kiss me. But I have two requirements: Number one, you have to be single and number two you have to be Catholic." The man says, "No problem. I'm not married and I'm a Catholic." So the nun pulls the cab over and the man gets out and plants a big kiss on her. They get back into the car and the nun notices the man is crying. "What's the matter now?" she asks. The man replies, "Well sister, I must confess. I lied to you. I'm married and I'm a Baptist." The nun says, "That's OK, I must confess I lied, too. I'm not a nun. My name's Kevin and I'm dressed for a masquerade party."
A fur trapper lived by himself far up in the mountains and only came down to civilization to sell his pelts. As the years went by the fur trade began to play out and he decided to become a lumberjack. He was immediately hired by a lumber company and on his first day on the job cut down six trees. His boss said to him, "You are going to have to do better than that if you want to keep this job." The next day he chopped down eight trees. His boss said, "That's still not good enough. You need to get yourself a chain saw." So the lumberjack went into town and bought a chain saw and the next day he cut down two trees. Thinking there must be something wrong with the saw, the lumberjack went back to the hardware store and told the clerk that he could chop down more trees with his ax than he could with the chain saw. The clerk looked at the saw, pulled the cord and started it up. The lumberjack looked at the saw and said, "What's that sound?"
A woman comes home one day, throws open the door and excitedly shouts,"Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery!" Her husband says, "That's wonderful. Should I pack for the ocean or the mountains?" His wife replies, "I don't care. Just get the heck out!"
A lady was sick enough one day to stay in bed and her little girl walked into the room carrying a cup of hot tea for her. Her mother was surprised and asked her where she learned to make tea. The little girl replied, "I watch you, mommy. I put the water on to boil, just like you always do. Then I added the tea leaves and strained the tea into the cup. But I couldn't find the strainer, so I used the fly swatter." She could see the distressed look on her mother's face and she added, "Don't worry, Mommy. I didn't use your new fly swatter. I used the old one."
A little boy was in his back yard filling a hole with dirt when his neighbor noticed him. "What are you doing?" the neighbor asked. The little boy answered, "Oh, my goldfish died and I'm burying him." The neighbor said, "Well, I'm really sorry to hear that. By the way, why such a big hole for a little goldfish?" The little boy replied, "Because he's inside your cat."
A blonde in college was taking a test and as she would come to each question she would flip a quarter. Her friend noticed her doing this and asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The blonde replied, "If the coin comes up heads, the answer is 'true'. If it comes up tails, it's 'false'." She continued doing this until she had completed the exam. Her friend then noticed the blonde going down the page again, and once again flipping the coin. "So what are you doing now?" she asked. The blonde replied, "I'm checking my answers."
A husband was reading the newspaper one morning when he noticed a report that said, on average, men use about 15,000 words per day while women generally use about 30,000. The wife thought about this for a minute and said, "That's probably because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands." Her husband replied, "What?"
It was the first day of school for a group of first grade students. The teacher was asking each of them what their fathers did for a living. One little boy said his dad was a firefighter. Another said his was a doctor. Finally the teacher came to little Johnny and said, "And what does your father do?" Little Johnny answered, "He's a lawyer." The teacher said, "Honest?" Little Johnny replied, "No, just the regular kind."
A man and his wife were getting ready to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. The man asked his wife, "How about a new Jaguar for our anniversary?" His wife replied, "No, thanks. I might have enjoyed it when I was younger and had people to see and places to go, but not now." Her husband then said, "OK. How about a fur coat?" His wife said, "Same thing. I would have enjoyed it before but not now. I'm too old." Feeling frustrated, her husband said, "Well, then what can I give you for our 50th anniversary?" His wife answered, "How about a divorce?" The husband replied, "Well, I wasn't planning on spending that much!"
An elderly man had been having trouble hearing for several years. Finally, he decided to go to a doctor about the problem. The doctor fitted the man with a couple of hearing aids and suddenly the old man could hear again. About a month later he came back to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor said, "Everything looks good. Your family must really be pleased that you can hear again." The old man said, "I haven't told my family yet. I've just been sitting around listening to the conversations. And what I've heard has been very interesting. In fact, I've already changed my will three times."
A man was visiting a woman and things were starting to get romantic when the woman's husband pulled up in the driveway. "Quick, hide in the closet," the woman said. The man scrambled into the closet and had only been there a few seconds when he heard a little voice say, "It's really dark in here." The young boy turned on his flashlight and the man saw that it was the woman's son. "Don't tell your father I'm in here," the man said. The little boy answered, "If you'll give me a $100, I'll keep quiet." The man gave the boy a $100 bill. Eventually the boy's father left and the man was able to escape. This happened four more times in the next few weeks and the man found himself completely broke while the boy was getting rich. The boy took his cash and bought himself a beautiful new bicycle. When his mother asked him where he got the money for the bicycle the boy told her the truth. She was very upset and immediately took him to church to confess his sins. The little boy entered the confessional and said, "It's really dark in here." The priest said, "Don't start that again."
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and a Genie popped out. The Genie said, "Due to downsizing, I can only grant you one wish. What'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. Do you see this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie looked at the map and said, "Lady, that is not going to happen. These countries have been fighting for centuries. I'm good, but I'm not that good! Make another wish." The woman thought for a minute and said, "I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate, loving, fun, likes to cook and help with the housework, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I want." The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that took her scarf back to the department store?
A: She said it was too tight.
A police officer was about to get off duty and he wanted to make one more arrest. He remembered a busy little bar on the outskirts of town. He parked nearby and waited for the patrons to begin to leave. At closing time he saw a man stagger out and go to first one car and then another before finally finding his vehicle. He then fumbled with the lock for several seconds before finally getting in. The officer thought to himself, "I've got a good one here." The man plopped into the car and spent several minutes getting the key in the ignition and getting the car started and into gear. In the meantime, the rest of the bar's patrons exited the bar, got into their cars and headed home. Finally the man got his car started and as soon as it began to move the cop turned on his lights and stopped him. The officer walked up to him and said, "You're under arrest for drunk driving." The man said, "I'm not drunk, officer." The cop replied, "Don't tell me that. I saw you stagger out and spend 15 minutes trying to get your car started." The cop asked the man if he would take a breathalyzer test and the man agreed. Much to the officer's surprise, the test showed the man had not been drinking. The officer said, "This just doesn't make sense." "It's easily explained, officer," the man said, "You've heard of the designated driver. Tonight I was the designated decoy."
A blonde went to work for the highway department painting stripes on the road. Her boss told her that she must paint at least two miles per day to keep her job. The first day she painted four miles, the second day, two miles and on the third day only one mile. The boss called her in and said, "What seems to be the problem? Each day you're painting less and less." The blonde replied, "I know. It's because each day I'm getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket."
Four senior citizens were sitting around the table at the senior citizens' center playing dominoes. The first senior said, "My arthritis is so bad I can hardly pick up my coffee cup." The second senior said, "My shoulder hurts so bad I can hardly bring my arm around to pick up my coffee cup." The third senior said, "My vision is so bad I can barely see my coffee cup." The fourth senior said, "We've all got our problems, but let's all thank God that we can still drive!"
A blonde was driving home after work when she was involved in a very serious automobile accident. Both the cars were totally demolished but the amazing thing was, neither driver was hurt. As she crawled out of her car, she noticed the man in the other car. She said to him, "Wow, look at both of our cars! Totally demolished. It's amazing that neither one of us were hurt. You know, you're a man and I'm a woman. This may be a sign from God that we're supposed to meet, be friends and maybe even lovers." The shocked man replied, "Gosh, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign." The blonde said, "Look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is totaled and this bottle of wine that I had in the back isn't broken. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She handed the bottle to the man and said, "Here, you drink half the bottle first and then I'll drink the other half." The man accepted the offer, drank half the bottle and handed it back to the woman. The blonde then put the cap back on the wine without taking even a drink and handed the bottle back to the man. "Aren't you going to take a drink?" the man asked. The blonde replied, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police."
Did you hear about the blonde that was helping her husband roof the house? The husband noticed that she was throwing away every other nail. When he asked her why, she replied, Because the point is at the wrong end.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows. It's never been done.
An ice fisherman in Minnesota was catching all kinds of fish. A second fisherman decided he would try his luck and cut a hole in the ice next to the fisherman. The first fisherman continued to pull in the fish while the second fisherman didn't even get a bite. Finally, the second fisherman asked, What are you doing to catch so many fish? Mmmmmmfffff, replied the first fisherman. How's that again? asked the second fisherman. Mmmmmmfffff said the first fisherman again. I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you. What is your secret to catching so many fish? The first man says, Ptooee, and spits, You've gotta keep your worms warm.
Two pilots have just graduated from the Arkansas Pilot's school. On their first flight after graduation, everything is going smooth until the landing. The pilot becomes very nervous. Sweat is pouring from his brow. Finally, he sets the plane down and immediately slams on the brakes, bringing the plane to an abrupt halt. The pilot says to his co-pilot, Man, that's the shortest runway I've ever tried to land on. The co-pilot replies, Yeah, and look how wide it is.
Q: Why did God create man first and woman second? (From Eve's perspective) Because God looked at Adam and said I can do better than that.
A: (From Adam's perspective) Because God didn't want any advise on how to create a man.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven. While she is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates, she looks inside and notices thousands and thousands of clocks. When she gets to talk to St. Peter, she asks him what the clocks are for. Those help us keep track of people back on earth, says St. Peter. Whenever someone commits adultery, that person's clock advances 15 minutes. That's very interesting, says Hillary, Do you have one for my husband Bill? Yes, says St. Peter, God's taken that one into his office where
A doctor goes to visit one his his elderly patients in a retirement home. He sits down in her room and begins to visit with her. The doctor notices a bowl of peanuts beside the bed and he picks up a handful and munches on them while they talk. Before you know it, the doctor has eaten the whole bowl. I'm terribly sorry, says the doctor, I'm afraid I've eaten all your peanuts. That's OK, says the old lady, I've already sucked all the chocolate off them. he uses it for a ceiling fan.
Two guys were in a bar on the top of the Empire State Building in New York City. One of the men says, You know, last week I discovered that if you jump off the top of this building by the time you reach the 10th floor, the winds swirling around the building are so strong that they’ll lift you up, swirl you around the building and right thru an open window on the back side of the building. No way! says the other man. I’m not kidding, says the first man. Want me to prove it to you? Sure, says the second man and with that the first man leaps out of the window on the top of the building. The man plummets toward the ground and sure enough when he reaches the 10th floor, his fall slows and he glides around the building and into an open window. The man takes an elevator back up to the top of the building and tells his buddy, See, I told you it works. The other man says, It had to be a fluke. There’s no way you can do it again. Watch this, says the man and he jumps out the window and again glides thru the open window on the 10th floor. When he returns to the top floor bar, his buddy says, I’ve gotta try this. He jumps out the window and plummets downward, past the 10th floor and finally crashes into the sidewalk at the base of the building. The bartender looks at the first man and says, Superman, you’re really bad when you drink.
A rich man decided he wanted to have some fun so he got an alligator and put it in his swimming pool. He then got a million dollars in cash and put it in a suitcase beside the pool. He gathered a bunch of his friends around the pool, telling them, The first person that can dodge that ‘gator and swim across the pool can have this million dollars. A few seconds go by and then one man is in the pool, swimming like crazy. Much to everyone’s surprise, the man makes it across the pool and the rich man says, OK. You did it. Here’s your million dollars. The other man replies, I don’t want the money, I just want the man who pushed me in!
A man wins a ticket to the Super Bowl and is very disappointed when he gets there and discovers he has the worst seat in the house-upper deck, top row, end zone. From his perch he looks down on the crowd and notices a man sitting alone at the fifty yard line. Taking a chance, he walks down and asks the man about the empty seat next to him. The man replies, My wife and I have had seats to every Super Bowl for the last thirty years and this is her seat. The other man asks, Where is she? The man replies, Oh, she died. The other man then says, That’s too bad. Surely you could have invited one of your friends to come with you. Oh, no, replies the man, They’re all at the funeral.
A man walks into his doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his right ear and a banana in his left ear. He says to the doctor, What’s the matter with me, doc? The doctor looks at him and replies, I don’t think you’re eating properly.
A blonde was driving through Kansas during the wheat harvest. The wheat was blowing in the wind like waves in the ocean. Suddenly the blonde looked out her car window and slammed on her brakes. In the middle of the field was another blonde in a rowboat. The first blonde yelled to her, "What are you doing?" The second blonde replied, "I'm rowing my boat on this ocean of wheat." The first blonde replied, "You idiot! It's blondes like you that give all of us a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your behind!"
Ten blondes and one brunette were trying to escape from a burning 12 story building by climbing down a rope. But there was too much weight on the rope and one of them was going to have to let go to prevent the rope from breaking. The brunette said, "I'll let go. I was raised in the spirit of caring, sharing and giving. And I love you all and would do anything for you." The blondes were all so moved they began applauding.
A young Scottish lad left home for the first time to go to work in the city. After he had been there a while his parents called to see how things were going. "Everything's fine," the young lad said, "Except for one thing. My neighbors are a little strange. The man on one side of me beats his head against the wall constantly. And the woman on the other side sticks her head out of the window and screams." His father said, "Well, son, you should avoid those people." The boy replied, "I do. I just stay in my room all the time and play my bagpipes."
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel filling in for St. Peter checked his book and said, "Sorry, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place." So the engineer was sent to Hell. After he had been there a while, the engineer decided to see what he could do to improve the place. Before long, Hell was improving, with air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. One day God called up Satan and said, "How's it going down there?" Satan replied, "Things are great! We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and there's no telling what else our engineer will come up with." God's face reddened with anger. "What?" God said, "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have been sent down there. Send him up here right now!" Satan replied, "No way! I like having an engineer on staff and I'm keeping him." God said, "Satan, I'm telling you, send him back right now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and said, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to find a lawyer?"
On the last day of school the children brought gifts for the teachers. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet, the candy store owner's son brought the teacher a pretty box of candy. The liquor store owner's son brought in a large, heavy box and sat it on the teacher's desk. The teacher lifted the box up and noticed it was leaking a little. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger, tasted it and said, "Is it wine?" The little boy smiled and said, "No." She touched another drop of the liquid and tasted it again. This time she said, "Is it champagne?" The little boy again smiled and said, "No." The teacher then said, "OK. I give up. What's in the box?" The little boy replied, "A puppy."
Two blondes were walking down the street. One of them notices a compact laying on the sidewalk and picks it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm...this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Let me see that," and snatches it away from her. She looks in the mirror and says, "Why, you dummy, it's me!"
A man driving down the road one day came upon a priest looking for a ride. He picked the priest up and they continued on their way. A little further down the road they saw a lawyer looking for a ride. The man driving the car sped up and headed directly toward the hitchhiking lawyer. Just as he was almost upon him the man thought about what he was doing. He decided it would be wrong to run down the lawyer, especially with a priest in the car with him. So, he swerved, barely missing the lawyer. The man turned toward the priest and said, "I'm sorry, father." The priest said, "Don't worry, my son. I got him with the door as we went by."
Three men died and went to heaven. St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and welcomed them in. He said, "Welcome to heaven. I must warn you that we do have our rules here. If you break the rules you will be punished. One rule is, don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks and everyone is disturbed." This sounded simple enough to the men. They passed through the Pearly Gates and there were ducks everywhere! Soon one of the men slipped up and stepped on a duck. St. Peter quickly came down with a very homely woman in tow. "I warned you if you broke the rules you would be punished," St. Peter said. He chained the ugly woman to the man and said, "You'll spend eternity together." Sometime later another one of the men stepped on a duck and once again St. Peter showed up with an ugly woman which he chained to the man, telling him, "You'll spend eternity together." The third man was very careful not to step on a duck. Several days went by and St. Peter showed up with a very beautiful woman. He chained the woman to the man and said, "You'll spend eternity together." The man said, "Wow, wonder what I did to deserve this?" The woman replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Two women died and were waiting for St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. One woman said to the other, "How did you die?" The other woman replied, "I froze to death." The first woman said, "That's just terrible. It must have been very painful." The second woman said, "Well, it was at first. I was shaking something fierce, then my hands and fingers went numb and I just drifted off. How did you die?" The first woman said, "I had a heart attack." "Really, how did it happen?" the second woman asked. "I was just sure my husband was cheating on me," the first woman answered. "So I came home early one day and ran up the stairs to the bedroom. He was there, alone, watching TV. I still thought something wasn't right, so I ran down the stairs to the basement to see if anyone was hiding there. Finding no one, I ran back to the kitchen and checked there. I was climbing up the stairs to check the attic when I had a heart attack and died." "How ironic," the second woman said, "If you'd just looked in the freezer we'd both be alive."
A little boy was bragging to everyone in his kindergarten class about how his father had taught him to count. The teacher overheard and said, "OK, let's do a little test. What comes after two?" The little boy responded, "Three." "Good," said the teacher, "What comes after seven?" "Eight," said the little boy. The teacher then said "And what comes after ten?" The little boy thought for a moment and said, "The Jack."
A lady was involved in a very serious car accident. She was in a coma in the hospital for several days and while in that coma she saw God. She asked Him if she was going to live. God said, "Yes, you'll live another 43 more years, 6 months and 8 days." A few days later she came out of the coma and began her recovery. Remembering what God had told her she decided if she was going to live that long, and since she was in the hospital already, she'd have a little plastic surgery done. She had a face lift, a nose job, implants, a complete makeover. She was very proud of her new look and was extremely excited on the day she walked out of the hospital. She was so excited she failed to look before crossing the street and was hit by a truck and immediately killed. When she got to heaven she went up to God and asked, "Why didn't you save me from that truck?" God replied, "To be perfectly honest with you, I didn't recognize you."
A traveling salesman stopped at a farm and saw a pig with a wooden leg sleeping on the front porch. When he got out of his car the pig awoke and greeted him with a grunt, walking up and wagging his little curly tail and in general acting just like a pet dog. The salesman noticed the pig walked with a slight limp and then discovered it was because the pig had a wooden hind leg. Totally charmed by the little pig, the salesman knocked on the door and when the farmer answered, he asked him if the pig was for sale. "I'd love to take this little fella home to my kids. They'd love him." The farmer said, "We love him, too and the pig is not for sale at any price. He's a hero to our family. Last month our house caught on fire and the pig went from room to room, waking us all up and warning us to get out of the house. Thanks to him we were able to save our home." The salesman then said, "So I guess that's how he lost his hind leg, in the fire?" The farmer answered, "No, the pig was not hurt in the fire." The salesman then asked, "So what happened to his leg?" The farmer answered, "Well, when you've got a valuable pig like that you don't want to eat him all at once."
Q: How do you ask a deaf man if he wants more chicken?
A: (Shouts) YOU WANT SOME MORE CHICKEN?
A preacher had a horse for sale and a man stopped by and bought it from him. The preacher told the man, "I taught this horse some commands that are different from the ones you know. If you want him to go, say 'Thank you Jesus.' If you want him to stop, say 'Amen.'" The man said he understood and with a "Thank you Jesus" he was off on his horse. Wanting to go a little faster the man said "Thank you Jesus" once more and the horse broke into a gallop. Seeing that the horse was heading directly for a cliff the man began shouting, "Whoa! Whoa!" Of course the horse didn't respond and then the man remembered the right command. "Amen! Amen!" the man shouted and sure enough the horse slowed down and stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The man wiped the sweat from his brow and said, "Thank you Jesus."
A man was walking down the road when he saw a blonde hanging from a tree with a rope around her waist. He asked her, "What are you doing?" She answered, "I'm committing suicide." The man said, "Then why is the rope around your middle?" She replied, "I had it around my neck, but it was choking me so I moved it."
A man and a woman found themselves sitting side by side on a plane. Making conversation, the man asked the woman if she'd like to play a game and she agreed. "OK," said the man, "I'll ask you a question. If you can't answer it correctly, you'll owe me $5. You can then ask me a question. If I can't answer it, I'll give you $50. Here's your question: What is the speed of light?" The woman didn't even try to come up with an answer. Instead, she reached into her purse and handed the man $5. She then said, "It's my turn. What has four legs and then has three legs?" The man thought about the question for the whole flight and couldn't come up with an answer. Finally he said, "Here's the $50. I give up. What is it?" The woman answered, "I don't know either," and handed him $5.
The phone rang at the FBI office. A voice on the other end said, "I"m calling to report my neighbor, Tom. He's hiding marijuana in the firewood in his back yard." After getting the address of Tom, the FBI agent said, "Thank you, sir. We'll investigate." The next day the FBI showed up at Tom's house. They went through his woodpile, splitting each piece of wood, but finding no marijuana. Finally they left in disgust. The next day the phone rang at Tom's house. It was his friend who said, "Hey, Tom, did the FBI show up at your house yesterday?" "Yes, they did," Tom answered. "And did they chop your firewood?" his friend asked. "Yep," said Tom. "Good," his friend said, "Now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
A man was telling a friend about a big fight he had with his wife. He said it finally came to an end when she came to him on her hands and knees. "Oh yeah," his friend said, "What did she say?" "Come out from under that bed you coward!!" the man replied.
A local TV station had received many calls complaining about its meteorologist after his forecasts were wrong 300 out of 365 days. The station manager called him in and fired him. The meteorologist moved on to another state and applied for a similar job at another TV station. When the station manager was interviewing him, he asked him why he had left his other job. The meteorologist answered, "The climate didn't agree with me."
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and someone else wins the jackpot. She again prays, "God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again she prays, "God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I've always been a good servant to you. Please let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God himself. He says, "Sweetheart, work with me on this. You've got to buy a ticket."
Three Aggies were taking a hiking trip across the desert. One of them brought along lunch so that when they got hungry they would have something to eat. Another took along a big jug of water so that when they got thirsty they would have something to drink. The third brought along a car door. His two friends asked him what he was going to do with the door. He answered, "If we get hot, I can roll down the window."
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He quickly orders a couple more and throws them all back. The bartender, noticing what's going on, says, "What's the problem, fella?" The man says, "I've had a run of bad luck. Two years ago my aunt died and left me $10,000. Last year, my father died and left me $40,000." "That's too bad," the bartender says. "Yeah. So far this year, nothing," the man says.
A couple of English tourists are visiting Arizona when they notice a cowboy laying on the roadside with his ear to the ground. They stop and ask him why he has his ear to the ground. He says, "Two horses, one grey and one chestnut. Two riders, one wearing a black shirt and one wearing red, headed east." The tourist says, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the ground?" The cowboy says, "No, they just ran over me!"
A drunk was showing off his apartment to a friend late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that gong for?" his friend asked. "That's not a gong, it's a talking alarm clock," the drunk replied. "A talking alarm clock," his friend said, "How does it work?" "Watch," the drunk said as he picked up a hammer and gave the gong an ear shattering pound. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, you jerk, it's 3 in the morning!"
A farmer had two horses but he couldn't tell them apart. So he went to the vet and told him of his problem. The vet suggested he tie different colored ribbons around their necks so he could tell them apart. A few days later the farmer came back and said, "Your idea didn't work. They rubbed up against a tree and the ribbons came off." The vet then suggested the farmer dab different colors of paint on the two horses so he could tell them apart. A few days later, the farmer came back and said, "That didn't work, either, the paint washed off." The vet thought for a moment and said, "Why don't you measure them and see if there's a little difference in height?" The farmer said he would give it a try. A couple of days passed and the farmer returned to the vet's office. "That did it," the old farmer said, "I measured them and found that black stallion is two hands taller than the white one."
A grasshopper goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Grasshopper, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named 'Steve'?"
A man was visiting a couple that had been married 62 years. The man noticed that whenever the old lady would bring him something he would always thank her and call her "Honey," "Sweetie" or "Darling." When the lady went back into the kitchen, the man said, "That's so nice of you to still call her those sweet names after 63 years." The old man replied, "Thanks, but I haven't had the heart to tell her I forgot her name five years ago."
An elderly man was worried that his wife was developing a hearing problem. While he was in for an exam, he told his doctor about it. The doctor said, "I can see her next week. In the meantime, here's a test you can do. Stand 30 or 40 feet behind her. Ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, move 10 feet closer. Keep doing this until she answers." The man when home and tried it. Standing 40 feet behind her he said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" When she didn't respond, he moved up 10 feet and asked the question again. Still no response so he moved up another 10 feet. Again she didn't respond. He moved up another 10 feet and she still didn't respond. Finally he got right behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She turned around and said, "For the fifth time, we're having chicken!"
A man's friend was having an open house so he decided to call the the florist to send an arrangement. He had them enclose a card that said, Good luck in your new location. A couple of days later, the man called his friend to find out if the flowers had arrived. Yes, his friend said, But I really didn't understand the card you sent. It said, My sincere condolences. The man was puzzled, so he called the florist. Oh, my goodness, said the florist, This means we must have sent your flowers to the funeral.
A couple is at the graveyard when they see a man kneeling beside a tombstone, crying. Wanting to comfort him, the couple go over and they hear the man saying, If only you hadn't died, my life would have been so much better. The woman pats the man on the shoulder and says, Was this your wife? The man looks up at her and says, No, it's her ex-husband.
An Aggie runs out of gas in the middle of nowhere and is walking back to College Station when he comes up to a farm house. He knocks on the door and asks the farmer if he would give him a ride back to town. The farmer says, You don't get nothing for free around here, boy. Here's a bucket of paint. Go round back and paint my porch. When you get done, I'll take you into town. The Aggie takes the paint and goes around to the back of the house. In about an hour, he returns and tells the farmer he's done. You mean you've painted my Porch? The farmer asks. Yep, says the Aggie, But I've got to tell you, that ain't no Porche, that's a Mercedez-Benz.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg while raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
A rich Texan is visiting Niagara Falls. Knowing Texans' tendency to brag, the tour guide asks the Texan if they have anything like Niagara Falls in Texas. The Texan thinks for a minute, then says, Don't reckon we do, but I know a plumber down in Texas that could fix that leak in 15 minutes.
A man walks into the kitchen and his blonde wife is standing by the sink with a puzzled expression on her face. The man says, Honey, what’s wrong? The blonde replies, I dropped an ice cube on the floor. I picked it up and rinsed it off under hot water and now I can’t find it.
A man walks into a convenience store. He notices a sign on the door that says, Caution. Dangerous dog. He looks around the store and the only he dog he sees is a large hound, stretched out and sound asleep on the floor in front of the checkout counter. The man says, I saw your sign, but this dog doesn’t look mean. Oh, he’s not, said the man behind the counter. I had to put up the sign because people kept tripping over him.
A couple of guys are released from county jail. As they are walking down the road from the jail they suddenly come upon a very large and hungry looking lion. The first man stops, grabs his bag and pulls out a pair of running shoes and starts to put them on. His friend looks at him and says, What are you doing that for? There’s no way you’ll outrun that lion. The man replies, I don’t have to outrun the lion. All I have to do is outrun you.
A man left the snow filled streets of Chicago for sunny Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was to join him in a couple of days. When he got to Florida he decided to send his wife an e-mail. He couldn’t find the slip of paper on which he had written his wife’s e-mail address so he typed it in from memory. Unfortunately, he was one letter off on the address and his e-mail instead went to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away the day before. The widow checked her e-mail, screamed and fainted dead away when she read the note which said, Dear wife-Just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival. P.S. It sure is hot here. Your husband.
A blonde is out shopping. She wants a pair of alligator shoes really, really bad. The problem is every pair she finds is too expensive for her budget. Finally, an exasperated salesperson says, Well, why don’t you just go out and catch an alligator and get a pair for yourself? This sounds like a pretty good idea to the blonde so she heads out to the swamp. Later that afternoon the salesperson is driving home and sees a commotion coming from the swamp. He stops his car and sure enough, there is the blonde wrestling with an alligator. It looks like she is doing ok for herself as there are a couple of dead gators on the bank. Finally, the salesperson says, What are you doing? About this time, the blonde succeeds in flipping the alligator over. Looking at his feet, she says, Darn, he’s not wearing shoes, either.
A man brings his dog to a poker game. He pulls up a chair, the dog hops into it and the man says, Deal him in. The man's buddies can't believe it. You mean this dog actually plays poker? one of his friends asks. Yep, he likes to play, says the man. Another of his friends says, A poker playing dog! He must be very smart . Well, not really, says the man, Everytime he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.
Three aggies are stranded on a desert island. After waiting days and days for rescue and almost giving up hope, they notice a bottle has washed ashore. They pick it up and a genie pops out. I usually grant three wishes to a person, says the genie, But since there are three of you, I’ll grant each of you one wish. The first aggie says, I really miss my girlfriend. I’d love to see her. POOF!!! He was gone. The second aggie says, I really miss my family. I’d love to see them. POOF!!! He was gone. The third aggie looks around and says, Gosh, it’s really lonely around here. I sure miss my friends. POOF!!! His friends were suddenly back.
A young couple was preparing to get married. They were out celebrating the night before when they were involved in a traffic accident that resulted in the deaths of them both. They went up to heaven together and when they arrived at the Pearly Gates they asked St. Peter if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter replied, "That's a request I've never had before. Let me check and I'll get back to you." A month goes by, then two, three and finally six months pass. St. Peter comes back to the young couple and says, "I've worked things out. You can get married in heaven." The groom says, "That's wonderful news, St. Peter. But, we've been wondering-what if things don't work out between us. Can we get a divorce in heaven?" St. Peter says, "Folks, it took me six months to find a preacher up here...I'm not sure if I could ever find a lawyer."
A college student was showing off his new apartment to his friends. "This place has everything," he bragged. One of his friends noticed a large brass gong hanging in the living room. "What's this?" he asked. "That's my talking clock," the student replied, "I'll show you how it works." With that he picked up a hammer and banged away on the gong. A voice from the other side of the wall shouted, "Knock it off you jerk. It's two a.m."
A man was getting ready to go deer hunting and his wife began nagging him to take her along. Finally, the man gives in and says, "OK. Be ready to go in the morning." The next day they head to the deer lease together. When they arrive, he points to a tall oak tree and tells her, "Climb up in this tree and if you see a deer, shoot him and holler as loud as you can for me. I'll come back and help you." His wife climbs up into the tree and the man leaves. A short time later the man hears a loud "ka-boom" followed by his wife yelling for him. The man hurries back and sees his wife pointing her rifle at a man who has his hands up in the air. His wife says, "Mister, get away from my deer!" The man replies, "OK, lady. You can have the deer...just let me get my saddle off it."
A blonde goes into a bank and takes out a $5000 loan to finance a two week European vacation. She told the banker, "Sir, the only thing I have for collateral is that Mercedes Benz out in the parking lot." The banker said, "That's fine, ma'am. We can hold the Mercedes for collateral for two weeks while you're gone." He gave the woman the money and told the courier to go get the car and take down to the basement parking lot for safe keeping. In two weeks the blonde returned to the bank and paid back the $5000 plus $15.41 in interest. The banker took her money and said, "While you were away we checked you out. You're a millionaire! You didn't need a $5000 loan for your European vacation. You could've paid cash." The blonde replied, "I know. But where else could I park my car for two weeks for $15.41."
A blonde worked in an office and her female boss had a habit of leaving work early every afternoon. This irritated the other office workers and they decided if the boss could leave early, so could they. So, the next day, shortly after the boss left work, they all left as well. The blonde went straight home and to her horror saw her boss in her husband's arms, locked in a passionate embrace. The blonde quickly left without being noticed by the two lovers. The next day after the boss had left the other workers were once again preparing to leave when they noticed the blonde was still at her desk. "Aren't you going to leave early?" one of them asked her. The blonde replied, "No way! I almost got caught yesterday."
And you think you're having a bad day. A San Diego patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt he had just won $5000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" the officer asked. The man replied, "I guess I'll go to a driving school and get my license." "Don't listen to him," said the woman in the passenger seat, "He's a real smart alec when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat who said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." Then there was a knock from the trunk and a Spanish accented voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Three Texans go to Mexico and get in a heap of trouble. They soon find themselves on death row. The first Texan is strapped into the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I'm a graduate of the University of Texas law school and I believe in the power of law to protect the innocent." The executioner flips the switch and nothing happens, so the warden says, "He must know what he's talking about. Let him go." The second Texan is strapped into the electric chair. He is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I'm a graduate of Baylor University divinity school. I believe in the power of the Lord to protect the innocent." The executioner throws the switch and again nothing happens. The warden says, "He must know what he's talking about. Let him go." The third Texan is strapped into the electric chair. He is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I'm a graduate of the engineering department of Texas A&M University. If you don't connect those two wires together, you're never going to execute anyone."
A lady walks into the kitchen and finds her husband sneaking around with a fly swatter in hand. She says to him, "What are you doing?" "Fly hunting," he responds. "Fly hunting?" she says, "What do you mean?" "I'm tracking down five flies," he says, "Three males and two females." "And how do you know there are three males and two females?" she asks. "Easy," he says, "Three of them are on a beer can and the other two are on the phone."
A lawyer and the pope both died on the same day and were called to the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter first led the pope to his new home. It was quite small and austere, nothing fancy at all. The pope took a look around and said, "Thank you, Lord, for all that you have given me and for what you are now giving me." St. Peter then led the lawyer to his new home. It was huge and very luxurious. The lawyer said, "I don't understand. Why would the pope get such a small place and I get such a luxurious one?" St. Peter smiled and said, "Simple. We've had a lot of popes here. You're the first lawyer we've had."
Three doctors who had been working on a cloning project were killed when the plane in which they were flying crashed. When they arrived at the Pearly Gates, God was talking to them and asked what kind of doctors they were. "We specialized in cloning," one of the doctors said. "And we've gotten so smart we can make a man just like you did. And if you'll just give us a chance, we'll prove it to you." "OK," said God, "Go ahead and give it a try. If you can do it, I'll let you into heaven." One of the doctors reached down and picked up a handful of dirt. God said, "Hold on just a minute. You go and get your own dirt."
A preacher dies and goes to heaven. He was very surprised when St. Peter took him to his new home and it was not a mansion, but a small house. He was even more surprised when he saw St. Peter take a New York taxi driver to a huge, beautiful mansion. The preacher went up to St. Peter and said, "What's going on? I preached 60 years on earth, spreading God's message and I get a little shack. And a New York cabbie gets a beautiful mansion?" St. Peter answered, "Simple. While you were preaching people were sleeping. While he was driving, people were praying."
One of an Indian chief's responsibilities is to make sure his tribe is aware of any approaching bad weather. This particular chief was new on the job and inexperienced at predicting the weather. When asked by a brave if it was going to be a bad winter, he decided to take no chances and answered, "Yes. It's going to be very cold. Instruct all members of the tribe to gather as much firewood as possible." The tribe set to work and gathered a tremendous amount of wood, but the predicted bad weather never arrived. After several days the chief went into town and paid a visit to the local weather bureau. "Are we going to have a bad winter?" the chief asked. The weather bureau chief answered, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." Feeling better, the chief returned to the reservation. Another couple of weeks of nice weather went by during which the tribe continued to gather all available firewood. Finally, the brave came to see the chief again and said, "Are you sure we're going to have a bad winter?" "Yes," the chief replied, "Continue gathering firewood." A few more days of nice weather passed and the chief paid another visit to the weather bureau in town. The chief asked the weatherman, "Are you sure we're going to have a bad winter? It's been very warm." The man replied, "Yes, we're sure." "How can you be so sure?" the chief asked. "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy," was the answer.
God and Adam were walking through the garden of Eden one day and God said, "Adam, I'm going to make you a help mate. She'll wait on you hand and foot, cater to your every need and will be drop dead gorgeous." Adam replied, "Wow, that's great! What's this going to cost me?" God answered, "An arm and a leg." Adam thought for a moment and replied, "What can I get for a rib?"
A motorist was pulled over by the highway patrol for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket he looked into the back seat of the car and noticed seven razor sharp machetes lying there. He asked the motorist what they were for and the motorist told him, "I work in a carnival as a juggler and those are my props." The officer said, "OK. Would you mind demonstrating them for me?" The man gets out of the car and begins juggling the machetes. Finally he has all seven of them in the air at one time. At that moment another motorist drove by. The man driving the second car said to his passenger, "Man, I have got to quit drinking!" "What do you mean?" his passenger asked. The driver answered, "Look at the sobriety test they're making that guy take!"
A man on a bicycle was carrying two large sacks on his back as he crossed the border between Mexico and the United States. The border guards stopped him and asked what he had in the sacks. "Sand," the man replied. "Take them off. We need to look at them," the guard said. The bags were emptied onto the ground and nothing was found in them but sand. The guards allowed the man to load the bags back onto the bicycle and continue on his way. A day later the man was again crossing with two bags. Again the guards made him unload the bags and again nothing was found in them but sand. This continued every day for a month until one day the cyclist did not appear. A few weeks later one of the border guards ran into the bicyclist in town. "You've gotta tell me something," the guard said. "I promise I won't hold it against you. We all know you're smuggling something across the border but we can't figure out what it is. What is it?" "Bicycles," the man answered.
A teenager was taking driver's ed. Every time he would approach a light that was turning red, he would floor it and run the red light. Finally the exasperated teacher said, "What do you think you're doing?" The teenager said, "That's what my brother always does." About that time they approached a light that was green and our bozo slammed on the brakes. "What are you doing now?" the instructor asked. "Looking out for my brother," the teenager answered.
An Aggie was in desperate need of some cash, after shooting his friend in a hunting accident he was left with a large hospital bill that needed to be paid. So he went to a park near the Texas A&M campus to meditate and try to come up with a plan. He saw a young boy playing in the park, unsupervised. In desperation, he decided to kidnap the child for ransom. He took the child by the hand and led him to a remote area of the park. On a piece of paper he wrote, "If you ever want to see your child again, put $20,000 in a brown paper bag and leave it behind the big oak tree in the corner of the park by noon tomorrow." He pinned the ransom note to the boy's shirt and sent him home, telling him to make sure his parents got the note. At noon the next day, the Aggie returned to the park. He went directly to the big oak tree to look for his money. There he found a brown paper bag. Inside the bag was $20,000 and a note from the boys parents which read, "Here's your money. How could one Aggie do something like this to another Aggie?"
Gladys' husband of many years passed away and she decided to hold a seance for him to find out how he was doing on the other side. After a time, he answered her. "Are you there?" she asked. "Yes, I'm here," he replied. "How is it there?" she asked. "It's good. Skies are blue. Grass is green. Water is clear. All we do is eat and sleep, and sleep and eat." "You mean you made it to heaven" she asked. "What do you mean made it to heaven?" the man replied, "I'm a buffalo in Montana."
A mother takes her little daughter to a wedding. Wide eyed, the little girl is taking everything in. Finally, she asks, Mommy, why is the bride all dressed in white? Her mother replies, Because it's the happiest day of her life, and the white dress signifies her happiness. The little girl thinks about this for a while and says, Then why is the groom dressed all in black?
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career...so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible and a bottle of whiskey and put them on the front hall table...then they hid, pretending they were not at home. The father's plan was: If our son takes the money, he will be a business man, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard. So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive..the son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the ten-dollar bill, looked at it against the light and slid it in his backpocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality...then he left for his room carrying all three items. The father slapped his forehead and said: Darn, it's even worse than I could have magined... Our son is going to be a politician!
A carload of politicians drives past a farmer plowing his fields. The car is going too fast and skids off the road, hitting a tree. When the politicians don't arrive for their rally as scheduled, the town sheriff comes looking for them. He stops by and asks the farmer if he's seen them. Yep, says the farmer, Skidded off the road up there and ran into a tree. Where are they now? asks the sheriff. Over yonder, says the farmer, pointing to a large mound of dirt. You mean you buried them? says the sheriff, Were they all dead? The farmer replies, Well, three of them said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie.
Two blondes are out hunting when they come upon some tracks. Look, says one blonde, It's bear tracks. No, says the other, It's deer tracks. It's bear tracks! No, it's deer tracks! And while they were arguing, the train ran over them.
Q: Do you know why all the blonde jokes are so simple and easy to follow?
A: It's so the men will understand them.
Man says his wife has been pestering him to take her on a vacation. I want to go someplace I've never been, says she. He replies, Why don't you start with the kitchen.
A police officer was stationed outside a bar that was known to get a little rowdy. At closing time, the officer noticed a man stagger from car to car, looking for his vehicle. Finally he found the right car and got inside. The man fumbled with his keys for several minutes. Finally, after the other bar patrons had left, the man got his car started and pulled out onto the street. Immediately, the officer pulled the man over. He asked the man to get out and the officer had the man perform a sobriety test. To the officer’s surprise, the man passed the test with flying colors. In fact, the man did not even seem to have been drinking. The officer was puzzled and asked the man what was going on. It’s simple, officer, the man replied, tonite I’m the designated decoy.
It seems the gate between heaven and hell fell off the hinges again and once again it was time to repair it. St. Peter came out, saw the gate, and yelled, Lucifer, this gate has fallen off again and it’s your turn to fix it. Lucifer yelled back, No, we’re not fixing it this time-you’re fixing it. St. Peter replied, No, its your turn to fix it. Lucifer then said, Well, we’re not gonna do it. St. Peter, by this time becoming exasperated, said, I’ll tell you what, we just may sue. Lucifer laughed and said, Oh yeah? And where are you going to find a lawyer?
A man is sent to prison. On his first day there he is sitting in his cell when he hears another prisoner shout out, Five!. All the other inmates in the cellblock erupt in laughter. A minute or two later another prisoner shouts, Eleven and again everyone laughs. Confused, the man asks his cell mate what is going on and he replies, Here in jail conversations between prisoners are kept to a minimum, so we’ve numbered all our jokes and when someone wants to tell one, he just shouts out the number. Want to give it a try? The man says, Sure, and shouts out, Fifty one. There is no laughter, only silence. The man asks his cell mate, What happened? The cell mate replies, Well, I guess it’s all in how you tell it.
A traveling salesman was driving down a country road when something whizzed past him. He watched as the blur turned to the left and headed toward a farm house. His curiousity up, the salesman drove down the road and spotted an old farmer sitting out in his yard. The salesman says, "Something passed me on the highway and headed down this way. Do you know what it was?" "Yep," the farmer said, "I reckon that was one of them three legged chickens." "A three legged chicken," the man exclaimed, "Where do they come from." "Well, I raise 'em," the farmer said. "You see, my young sons love them drumsticks and we never seem to have enough of them when we fry chicken." "And these three legged chickens," the man replied, "Do they taste good?" "Don't know," the farmer replied, "We've never been able to catch one."
A group of scientists decided that God was obsolete. So, they elected one of their own to go visit God and give Him the bad news. The scientist walked up to God and said, "On earth, we have evolved to the point where we simply don't need you anymore. Anything you can do, we can duplicate with science." God thought about this for a moment and said, "OK, let's have a little test. Let's see you create a man the way I did when I created Adam." The scientist bent down and picked up a handful of dirt and God said, "Hold on there a minute. Go get your own dirt."
A woman goes into a pet store and says, "I need 30,000 cockroaches right now!" The pet store sales clerk says, "Why do you need 30,000 cockroaches?" The woman replies, "I'm moving out of my apartment and my lease says I have to leave the apartment in exactly the same condition it was in when I moved in."
Tom applied for a job as a signal man on the railroad. The inspector met him at the signal box and decided to give him a quick pop quiz. He said, "Tom, what would you do if you realized two trains were headed toward each other at the same time on the same track?" Tom replied, "I'd switch one train to the other track." The inspector said, "Good, but what if the switch lever was broken?" Tom said, "I'd run to the phone and call the next signal box to warn them." The inspector then said, "But what if that phone was busy?" Tom thought for a minute and said, "Then I'd go into town and get my Uncle Leo." Puzzled, the inspector said, "Why would you do that?" Tom replied, "Because he's never seen a train wreck before."
A car got stuck in the mud on a dirt road one day and an old farmer came by and offered to pull them out with his tractor for $50. After his car was freed, the man said to the farmer, "At $50 a pop, I'll bet you're pulling people out of the mud day and night." The old farmer replied, "Nope. At night I have to haul water for the hole."
One evening after work a man drove his secretary home after she had too much to drink at the office party. Although nothing happened between the two, the man decided not to tell his rather jealous wife. Later that evening the two were headed to the movies when the husband noticed a red high-heeled shoe sticking out from under the passenger's seat. Distracting his wife, the man quickly grabbed the shoe and tossed it out the window. A few minutes later when they arrived at the theatre, the wife said, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"
A man took his St. Bernard into the vet. He told the doctor, "I need to have this dog's tail bobbed." The doctor stepped back, looked at the man and said, "Why would you want me to do such a terrible thing?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law's coming to visit next week and I don't want anything to make her feel welcome."
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office and says to the receptionist, "I've got a problem. I think I'm invisible." The receptionist looks at him and says, "Sorry. The doctor can't see you today."
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar and each ordered a beer. When the Englishman's beer arrived, it had a fly in it. Refusing to drink it, the Englishman ordered another one. Not wanting to let a good beer go to waste, both the Scotsman and the Irishman reached for the mug, with the Irishman grabbing it first. He flicked the fly out and downed the beer in one gulp. The Scotsman picked up the fly by its little wings, held it over his beer and said, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
The pope was headed for an important meeting in New York City when he became stuck in traffic. Sitting in the back seat of the limo, the pope was frustrated and said to the driver, "Can't you get through this any faster? I really can't afford to be late!" In typical New York fashion, the driver responded, "Hey, if you think you can do a better job, come on up here and give it a try." The pope decided to take him up on his offer and sure enough he was a very good driver. The pope was weaving in and out of traffic and was making really good time when he was spotted by a New York city traffic officer. The cop pulled him over and when he walked up to the window and saw the pope, the officer excused himself and went back to the squad car to call the chief. "Chief, you won't believe who I just pulled over," the officer said. The chief answered, "Is it the mayor?" The officer said, "No, it's bigger than the mayor." The chief said, "Is it the governor?" The officer answered, "No, it's bigger than the governor." The chief then said, "Don't tell me you pulled over the president." "No," the officer said, "It's bigger than the president." "Bigger than the president! Who could be bigger than the president?" the chief asked. The officer replied, "I don't know, but the pope's his driver!"
A traveling salesman was selling an odorless outhouse. He told Farmer Brown that the outhouse was made of the finest quality cedar and was guaranteed for life not to have any odor. Farmer Brown was impressed and purchased the outhouse. Three months later when the traveling salesman came back through town, Farmer Brown met him with shotgun in hand. "Your outhouse stinks!" Farmer Brown told him. The salesman said, "It's guaranteed for life to be odorless. Let me take a look at it." The traveling salesman went into the outhouse, lifted up the lid and said, "Here's the problem. Someone has used it."
A man riding in a taxi needed to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped the man on the shoulder. The driver screamed, almost leaped out of his seat, and ran the car up on the curb, coming to a stop only after running into a lamppost. Fortunately neither the cabbie nor the passenger was injured. The passenger apologized, saying, "I never thought you'd react like that to a little tap on the shoulder." The cabbie said, "It's not your fault, sir. Today is my first day as a cab driver. For the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse."
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing and one looked at the other and said, "Don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time. But I'm afraid I've forgotten your name. Please tell me what it is." The other woman sat silently and stared at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
A young man had always dreamed of being a writer. He said, "I want to write something that the whole world will read, something that people will react to on a truly emotional level. I want to make them scream in disbelief, cry in despair, howl in pain and vent their anger in ways they never even dreamed of." He got his wish. He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A drunk sat down next to a priest on a subway. The man's clothes were stained, his face smeared with lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. From his other pocket he pulled a newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes he turned to the priest and asked, "Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest responded, "My son, it's caused by loose living, cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered and returned to his paper. The priest, feeling guilty about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, father. I was just reading here in the paper that the Pope does."
A husband was reading the paper when he came across an article that said that women use twice as many words as men do. He shared this information with his wife who replied, "That's because we have to repeat everything we say twice." Her husband asked "What?"
Two Aggies went to Houston and were driving through a shopping center when they noticed a business with a sign in the window that said, "Shirts $1.50. Pants $3. Suits $9." One looked at the other and said, "My goodness, we could make a killing. Let's buy a carload of these clothes and take them back to A&M and sell them." They go into the shop and tell the owner, "We want 50 suits, 100 pants and 200 shirts." The man behind the counter looked at them and said, "You boys are Aggies, aren't you?" They answered, "Yes, how did you know?"
He replied, "Because this is a dry cleaners."
A man went to a psychiatrist and the doctor gave him an ink blot test. "Tell me what you see in these pictures," the doctor said. Every answer the man gave had to do with sex. "Sir, you have the filthiest mind I've ever seen," the doctor said. The man answered, "Don't blame me, Doc. You're the one that keeps showing me those dirty pictures."
A man was on trial for murder and decided to take the stand in his own defense. During cross examination, the prosecutor asked, "Did you murder the deceased?" The man replied, "No, sir, I did not." The prosecutor said, "Do you know the penalty for perjury?" The man replied, "Yes, I do. And it's a lot less than the penalty for murder."
A woman was given a lucky coin and was told to go to the nearest wishing well where she would be allowed to make three wishes. She found a well and wished for no housework, no cooking and no cleaning. POOF!!! She was turned into a man.
A little elderly lady was sitting on the front porch with her husband when she leaned over to him and said, "I sure am proud of you." His hearing not being what it once was, the old man leaned over to her and said, "Huh?" The woman repeated herself, "I sure am proud of you." Again the man said, "Huh?" Once again the woman said, "I'm proud of you." The old man replied, "That's OK, honey. I'm tired of you, too."
The boss in a large office liked to tell jokes. One day he called in everyone to listen to a couple. After he told each joke, everyone would burst out laughing, except for one woman who just stood there. He noticed her and said, "What's the matter, don't you have a sense of humor?" She answered, "I don't have to laugh. Friday's my last day on the job!"
An man and his son leave the farm for the first time and end up at a very large shopping mall. Astounded by everything there, father and son walk up to an elevator, not knowing what it is. As they watch an elderly lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the elevator, goes inside and presses a button, causing the silver doors to close. Father and son watch as the doors slide shut, numbers above the doors begin flashing in ascending order and then in descending order. Finally, a bell rings, the doors slide open and out walks a beautiful young woman. The little boy says to his father, Dad, what kind of machine is that? The father replies, I don't know, son, but go get your mother.
A lawyer pulled up to a parking space downtown. As he opened the door of his Mercedes another car came whipping by and ripped the door off. The lawyer was very upset about this and when the police arrived he was still ranting and raving about the ruination of his beautiful Mercedes. The officer looked at him and said, You lawyers are so materialistic. You’re so worried about your car that you didn’t even notice that your arm was torn off in the accident. The man looks down at the bloody stump that was his arm and says, My Rolex! Where’s my Rolex?
Two elderly ladies met in the laundromat. They hadn't seen each other in a while so they started getting caught up on what had been going on. The first lady asked the other how her husband was doing. "Oh, Ted passed away last week," the second lady replied. "He was out in the garden picking peas for supper and keeled over dead with a heart attack." "Oh, my, what did you do?" the first woman asked. The second woman replied, "I opened up a can of beans instead."
Three rats were sitting in a bar when they got into an argument over which one was the toughest. The first one said, "Whenever I see a rat trap loaded with cheese, I kick the little lever, slide under the bar, and walk away with the cheese." The second rat says, "Well, when I run across some rat poison, I just grind it up and put it into my coffee. It gives me strength all day." The third rat is silent for a time and the other two rats ask him if he has a story to tell. The third rat says, "Yes, I do. But I don't have time to tell you. I've got a date with a cat."
Two rednecks went deer hunting. They killed a deer and were dragging him back to their truck when they met up with another hunter. The hunter said, "If you boys would go around and pull that buck by his horns it'd be a lot easier." This sounds like a good idea so the rednecks give it a try, dragging the deer by his horns. After a while one of the rednecks says, "You know it is a lot easier this way, but we're getting farther away from the truck."
One day a woman heard a report on the radio that said there was a man going the wrong way on Highway 280. Realizing that her elderly husband was on that highway, she called him on his cell phone to warn him. "Honey," she said, "Look out! There's a man going the wrong way on Highway 280." "One man?" here husband replied, "There's hundreds of them!"
A blonde went into a doctor's office with severe burns on both of her ears. The doctor examined her and said, "My goodness. Your ears are very badly burned. What happened?" The blonde answered, "Well, I was ironing and the phone rang. I got confused and put the iron to my ear instead of the phone." "I see," the doctor said, "But what about your other ear?" The blonde answered, "The stupid idiot called back!"
A man realized he wasn't hearing as well as he used to so he went out to price hearing aids. The sales clerk told him he had models priced from $2 to $2000. Being a frugal sort, the man asked to see the $2 model. It was a piece of string with a button sewn to one end. The clerk placed the button in the man's ear and inserted the string into the man's shirt pocket. Puzzled, the man asked, "How does this contraption work?" The sales clerk said, "It doesn't. But when people see it they talk louder."
A couple of Aggies are out hunting when one of them drops to the ground. His buddy looks at him and his eyes are rolled back in his head and he's not breathing. Panicked, he pulls out his cell phone and dials 911. When the operator answers he shouts, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a very calm voice, says, "Take it easy. I can help. First we need to make sure he's really dead." There is silence on the other end of the phone, then a gunshot. The Aggie comes back on the phone and says, "OK. What next?"
A passenger ship passed by a small deserted island where they could see a bearded man shouting and desperately waving his arms. One of the passengers asked the captain, "Who's that guy?" The captain answered, "I have no idea but every year when we pass by he just goes nuts."
An old snake went to the doctor complaining of his poor vision, so the doctor prescribed a pair of glasses for him. When the snake returned in a couple of weeks for a checkup, the doctor said to him, "You look really depressed. What's wrong, didn't the glasses work out?" The snake said, "Oh, they worked fine. It's just that I've discovered I've been living with a water hose for the last two years."
It was the Memorial Day sale at a big department store. A long line had formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's scheduled opening time. A small man pushed his way through the crowd to the front of the line only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt to get to the front of the line he was punched square in the jaw and was knocked to the ground. As he got up to head to the front of the line again, he said, "That does it. If they hit me one more time, I'm not going to open the store."
One day a man and his wife had an argument which resulted in the couple not speaking to each other. A few days of silence followed and the man realized he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 AM for a business trip to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 AM" and placed it on her pillow. The next morning the man woke up to discover it was 9 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was going to see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a note on the bed beside him. It said, "It's 5 AM. Wake up!"
An elderly Italian man lay near death in his bed when he smelled the aroma of the delicious Italian cookies that his wife was famous for. He summoned enough strength to lift himself from the bed and make his way to the kitchen. As he neared the kitchen the aroma of the cookies made him think he might already be in heaven. He saw the Italian cookies spread out on the kitchen table. Was he in heaven or was it a heroic act of his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he would leave this world a happy man? He made one more effort, threw himself toward the the table and reached out for one of the cookies. Smack! His hand was slapped with a spatula. His wife said, "Back off! Those are for the funeral!"
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird that fell behind a neighboring farmer's fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you're not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in the state of California. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and came up to the city feller. His first kick planted the heavy toe of his work boot into the lawyer's groin, dropping him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney almost caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every ounce of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot, now it's my turn." The farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Two blonde construction workers were building a house. One reaches into his nail pouch and pulls out a nail. If it's pointing toward the house he nails it in. If it's pointing away from the house he throws it away. The other construction worker says, "What are you doing?" His friend answers, "The nails that are pointing the wrong way must be defective." The other construction worker says, "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"
An Aggie went to a box manufacturing company and said he needed a box one inch wide by one inch tall by 50 feet long. The man behind the counter said, "I can make you a box like that, but it's very unusual. Could I ask you what you want to use it for?" The Aggie replied, "Well, my neighbor moved and he left behind his garden hose. I want to mail it to him."
A man goes into a cardiologist's office, shouting, "I'm a moth! I'm a moth!" The cardiologist says, "Sir, you don't need me, you need a psychiatrist." The man replies, "I know, but your light was on!"
Three retirees had decided to play a round of golf on a beautiful afternoon. After a little bit, one of them says, "Windy today, isn't it?" His friend replies, "No, it's Thursday!" The third retiree says, "Me, too. Let's go get something to drink!"
A couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. A reporter from the newspaper asked them what was the secret to their long and happy marriage. The man said, "It goes back to our honeymoon. We went to the Grand Canyon and took a mule all the way down to the very bottom. On the way, my wife's mule stumbled, throwing her off. She said, 'That's one,' and climbed back on the mule. After a time, the mule stumbled again, throwing her off once more. She said, 'That's two' as she climbed back on. Just before reaching the bottom of the canyon, the mule stumbled a third time. My wife said, 'That's three' and pulled a gun out of her purse, shooting the mule dead. I complained and scolded her for the way she treated the mule. She looked at me and said, 'That's one.' From that moment on, we've lived happily ever after."
A man walks out of the shower and says to his wife, "Honey, it's so hot today, I think I'll mow the yard in the nude. What do you think the neighbors will say?" She looked him over and said, "I think they'll say I must have married you for your money."
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room starts spinning.
Back in Roman times a Christian was thrown into a lion’s den in front of a large crowd at the Colisseum. The lion pursued the Christian around the arena for a while until, exhausted, the Christian fell to his knees and said, Lord, make this lion a Christian. The lion stopped in his tracks, lowered his head and said, Thank you Lord, for this meal that you have placed before me.
A highway patrolman pulled over a carload of nuns. Sister, the cop asked, why are you going so slow?
The sign said the speed limit is 20, officer, replied the nun. No, the speed limit is 70, the officer explained, This is Highway 20 . The patrolman then noticed the nuns in the backseat, all huddled together and looking very scared. It's OK sisters, there's nothing to be nervous about, I'm only going to write you a warning ticket. That's not the problem officer, one of the nuns replied. Then what's the matter? asked the cop. We just got off highway 119.
A woman looks outside her window and is horrified to see her hound dog has her next door neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. She goes outside to check and unfortunately the rabbit is dead. Knowing how attached the neighbor was to her rabbit and realizing she is still at work, the woman comes up with a plan. She washes the rabbit off and fluffs up his hair with the blow dryer and then carefully props him up inside his cage. Later when the neighbor comes home the woman hears her screaming and rushes over. Deciding to play dumb, the woman asks, What's the matter? The neighbor replies, Oh, my God! Flopsy died last week and we buried him and now he's back!
Q: What do a smart blonde and a UFO have in common?
A: You hear about them but you never actually see one.
Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
A: Big holes all over Australia
Q: Why do doctors now use lawyers instead of lab rats for testing purposes?
A: Three reasons. 1. There are now more lawyers than rats. 2. Doctors don't get attached to the lawyers the way they do to rats. 3. There are some things that you just can't get a rat to do.
While giving a man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shin. The doctor asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer or any physical sport?" "No," answered the man, "I just play bridge with my wife."
Five surgeons were sitting around discussing which patient was the easiest to operate on. The first surgeon said that accountants were the easiest, that everything inside them was numbered. The second surgeon said he preferred librarians because everything inside them was in alphabetical order. The third surgeon said that electricians were the easiest because everything inside them was color coded. The fourth surgeon said, "I prefer construction workers because they understand that the job may take longer than expected and that when it's over there may be some parts left over." The fifth surgeon topped them all when he said, "I like politicians because they have no brain, no heart, no spine and the head and the rear end are interchangeable."
A man was driving in the country when he came upon a priest and a rabbi standing near the shoulder of the road, fishing. Next to them they had put up a hand painted sign that read, "Turn around, the end is near". The motorist didn't like to be preached at so he rolled down his window and shouted, "Mind your own business, you religious nuts!" A few seconds later, the two fishermen heard the screeching of tires followed by a big splash. The rabbi turned to the priest and said, "I told you we should have just written "Bridge Out'."
A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing to go along but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport she accepted. When the husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the boat, "For Sale."
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mph zone when a police officer pulled her over. The officer, who was also a blonde, asked to see her drivers license. The blonde, searching frantically in her purse, finally said to officer, "What does it look like?" The officer answered, "You dummy, it's small and has your picture on it." Finally, at the bottom of her purse, the blonde found a small rectangular mirror. She pulled it out, saw her face reflected in it and said, "This must be it," handing it to the officer. The blonde officer looked at the mirror and said, "You're free to go. If I'd known you were a fellow police officer we could have avoided all this hassle."
A woman was so lonely, she placed an ad in the newspaper. The ad read, "Husband wanted." Within three days she had received 100 replies. All from women. All of them said, "Take mine."
A blonde went to the computer store. She told the clerk that she needed a set of drapes for her computer. The clerk said, "Ma'am, your computer doesn't need drapes." The blonde replied, "Yes it does. It has windows. Duh!!!"
Did you hear about the blonde who was so clumsy she tripped over a cordless phone?
An elderly gentleman was literally on his death bed when he smelled some fresh chocolate chip cookies baking. The aroma was so wonderful that he mustered up all his strength and walked into the kitchen. There he saw a large silver tray filled with chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one his wife smacked the back of his hand with her spatula. She said, "Leave these alone. They're for the funeral."